The Hopeless Marriage – New Again

Dear Rachel, 

I have had serious shalom bayit (marital peace) issues for years. Sometimes my husband can be kind. He learns Torah, keeps mitzvot, and tries to guard his eyes. On the other hand, my husband doesn’t listen, follows me around the house telling me what I am doing wrong, and controls every penny. We have tried therapies and all kinds of things. I’ve given up davening for the marriage. I can’t make myself thank Hashem for it anymore.  

I am so confused. I can’t leave and don’t really want to. My friend is encouraging me to stop going to mikveh. Any ideas? 

MG, Beitar, Israel 

I am SO glad you emailed me to ask for advice at this critical juncture in your marriage! 

1. Do not stop going to the mikvah. Your husband is doing some inappropriate things but they are the usual mistakes. You also say you can’t leave and don’t really want to. Not going to mikvah is not an acceptable option in this case. You stop going to mikvah after you request a divorce. You should NEVER, EVER say the “D” word around your husband, let alone take such extreme action. Such actions rip the marriage to shreds by removing all the reasons for your husband to attempt to improve! And doing much worse things too. 

To use this against your husband outside of that framework will only take you on the fast track to divorce. Intimacy is a powerful source to bring the couple together and unless the husband is using it against the wife or is hurting her etc. which you did not mention in the email, it is needed to help the couple heal. 

2. Anyone who makes such a suggestion, I would stay FAR, FAR away from their advice and not discuss anything with them regarding your marital issues. In the meantime, thank G-d you found Rabbi Arush’s teachings – that’s the truth and use that as your beacon. Anything or anyone that goes against his teachings, stay far away! I cannot emphasize this point enough! Pray for good advice and to come close to the true Rabbis and to be saved from bad advice!  
 

3. Get the books and read them! Your husband is making typical male mistakes. If you have to learn the laws of Shabbat, why do you not need to learn the laws of shalom bayit? You need to learn how to drive a car, or operate a refrigerator, so why do you think you can be happily married without guidance? Even if you know this, this is what you say to your husband when you buy BOTH books for him and you. You say, “I’m reading mine and if you’ll read yours and work on it, we can have Heaven on Earth together!” It has sold more than 1 million copies in multiple languages. Many Rabbinic courts now require the couples to read the books and come back in a month before proceeding with a divorce, and most couples don’t come back. There is a reason!  

Remember though that these books are not nice reading - they are workbooks. You read them carefully and slowly and pray to implement what you read, and try your best, topic by topic. Most couples see “miraculous changes” to quote one person, quite quickly. 

4. Pray your husband reads and implements his book, The Garden of Peace for Men. Rabbi Arush said that although there is excellent advice for women in the female counterpart Women’s Wisdom, the real truth is that a couple can only live together happily when the man is doing his part. He recommends praying every day for 15 minutes that you husband should read his book and follow the advice! 

5. Do the Law of Thank You! Rabbi Arush recently told a story about a woman whose husband left the house, and she did this every day and the husband came back on his knees in less than a week. There are many, many more stories.  I myself have miracle stories with this formula on other subjects.  

 
6. Do a pidyon nefesh with Rabbi Arush.  Click here to learn more about doing a pidyon. I myself have seen and helped others who had incredible miracles happen to them, oftentimes immediately after doing a pidyon with Rabbi Arush. It’s something like getting the best lawyer and the best marital therapist involved. 

However, it is important to note, that the more of your own work and effort you put in, through increasing personal prayer, reading the books, doing The Law of Thank You, etc. – the more Rabbi Arush will be able to help you.  

MG wrote me back: 

I am in tears. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I have for real heard some crazy and confusing advice and I appreciate hearing back so quickly. Really, really truly thank you. I’m in such a broken place and don’t want to give up my marriage. I also want to do a pidyon with Rabbi Arush. 

I have The Garden of Emuna and Women’s Wisdom, but again this friend (she is an agunah by the way – someone who cannot remarry) saw me reading Women’s Wisdom and told me that it can’t possibly apply in my situation, so I put it away.  

I responded: 

I knew if someone was giving you such advice this was a bad situation, but now she’s telling you to put down Women’s Wisdom, which is specifically the book which will give you the strength to manage… Many people in such situations received bad advice themselves, so they cannot be blamed – but they also must be ignored. Rabbi Arush discusses the need to steer clear of the advice of friends and this is ESPECIALLY true when there are serious issues and the friends have their own stories. I have heard too many sob stories of such well-meaning friends essentially causing divorces with disastrous results. 

Your husband and your family come first! And until there is no hope G-d forbid, don’t destroy your last hope with your own two hands… and yes there IS lots of hope in such a situation, LOTS. 

And thank Hashem every day for sending you the books and to Rabbi Arush, because getting the right advice is at least half the solution! 

MG arranged for the pidyon right away and told me: 

OK, working on doing my “prescription” daily. Taking it like medicine. And taking it one day at a time. 

And then I got this email less than a week later: 

We had a big dip, but then a HUGE tremendous breakthrough yesterday. I don’t recognize my marriage. I saw all the things I had been doing, going downhill over time and apologized. I made a huge effort to stay respectful and kind. To notice the good and build it up.  

Yesterday we had a very open loving discussion about where we are and where we want to be. He apologized for all his many issues including his defensiveness and criticism. We ended up asking each other if we can start over.  

It was literally not of this world.  

 
I started keeping a notebook of the kind and helpful things he does to give him as a gift at the end.  

Thank you for saving my life. There is a way to go to stay away from bad habits and “friends” who give terrible advice, but thank G-d we are on the way to being whole again.  

And then I got this update a few months later: 

I feel a lot of things opening up from this. I don’t feel like stuffing my face with junk food anymore and am suddenly losing weight. Some of my kids’ behavior has settled. I got a lot more income this month all of a sudden…

Thank you so much for putting me on the right track! 

I responded: 
It really was a huge miracle. So happy to be able to help! Thank Rabbi Arush every day. 🙂 He deserves all the thanks. And of course, Hashem. 

*** 

Rachel Avrahami grew up in Los Angeles, CA, USA in a far-off valley where she was one of only a handful of Jews in a public high school of thousands. She found Hashem in the urban jungle of university. Rachel was privileged to read one of the first copies of The Garden of Emuna in English, and the rest, as they say, is history. She made Aliyah and immediately began working at Breslev Israel.  
 
Rachel is now the Editor of Breslev Israel’s English website. She welcomes questions, comments, articles, and personal stories to her email: rachel.avrahami@breslev.co.il.