Don’t Criticize
Should a person even try to mold his spouse's behavior, even for the latter's benefit?
The Log Cabin
Should a person even try to mold his spouse’s behavior, even for the latter’s benefit?
With Hashem’s loving grace, the following Chassidic anecdote provides the answer:
The Baal Shem Tov and one of his younger disciples were strolling in the woods together on the outskirts of his picturesque home town Medziboz, in the central Ukraine. The young disciple was a chattan, about to be married that same week. The Baal Shem Tov, by way of his unique and magnificent wisdom, was teaching the young disciple some important lessons that are the keys to a successful marriage and a radiant home.
The Baal Shem Tov picked up a dried beech-wood branch, and used it as a walking stick. A few minutes later, he pointed to a large-sized poisonous mushroom that had decayed under a pile of dried beech leaves. He motioned for his disciple to come closer and to take a closer look. When the young man bent down to examine the decaying mushroom, the Baal Shem Tov began to poke it with the stick in his hand. The decaying mushroom exuded an intolerable stench and the young man recoiled in disgust. “Rebbe! That smells terrible!”
A knowing smile illuminated the Baal Shem Tov’s holy countenance. “My son, do you understand the lesson that Hashem is teaching us by way of this decaying mushroom?”
The perplexed young man shrugged his shoulders and shook his head from side to side. “No, Rebbe. I’m afraid that I don’t understand.”
“As long as we didn’t probe and poke the mushroom, it was just another part of the beautiful, aromatic forest. As soon as we began meddling and probing, we elicited its foul odor. The same holds true for a human soul; as long as we don’t probe and poke another people’s souls, they have the sweet smell of Hashem’s creations. But as soon as we start poking, we elicit that soul’s negative side, its foul odor. This constitutes a defamation of that soul, both in Heaven and on earth,” explained the Baal Shem Tov.
“What constitutes poking a soul?” the young man asked.
“Criticism,” answered the Baal Shem Tov. “Criticism causes a defamation of the soul.”
The Baal Shem Tov than told his young disciple to be careful in applying this lesson in his new married life and to never criticize his wife.
“Isn’t it a husband’s job – especially a husband that learns Torah – to help mold his wife’s character?”
The Baal Shem Tov refrained from answering; silently and arm-in-arm they walked for another ten or fifteen minutes until they reached a clearing in the woods. A burly Ukrainian woodsman was building a log cabin. Interestingly, he neither hewed nor planed the logs, but used them in their natural state. Speaking perfect Russian, the Baal Shem Tov greeted the peasant with a friendly “Good morning.” He then asked the peasant why the latter doesn’t remove the bark from the logs that serve as the walls of the cabin.
“Ah, that’s simple!” answered the massive, semi-toothless woodsman, eager to demonstrate his expertise. “The bark is a superb insulation, helping to keep the cabin warm in winter and cool in the summer. It also has a natural sap that serves to glue the logs together, making the cabin much sturdier.”
The veins in the woodsman’s mighty forearms protruded as he strained to raised a massive log that he laid it on top of another log. A knotty stub on the top log interfered in connecting the two logs. Rather than cutting off the stub, the woodsman took his ax and a sharp carving knife, and beveled out an indentation in the bottom log. The two logs then merged beautifully, securely in place. Beads of perspiration trickled down the woodsman’s beaming face; proudly, he declared, “Not even the strongest storm will be able to separate between these two logs!”
Knowingly, the Baal Shem Tov asked the woodsman a leading question: “Even so, my friend, why did you go to the trouble of carving the indentation in the bottom log? Wouldn’t it have been easier to chop the knotty stub off of the top log with your ax?”
The woodsman laughed at the rabbi’s seeming ignorance of such a simple principle that any woodsman knows. “When you try to chop off a knotty stub, you end up cracking the entire log! Who wants to ruin such a wonderful log because of a little stub? It’s both safer and easier to leave it as is, and to carve an indentation for it in the bottom log…”
The Baal Shem Tov and his disciple continued on their way. “You asked me whether a husband’s job is to help mold his wife’s character; did the woodsman try to chop the stub off the log?”
“No,” answered the young man.
“Why?” pressed the Baal Shem Tov.
“Because it would have split or cracked the whole log and ruin it.”
“Precisely,” answered the Baal Shem Tov. “One’s spouse resembles a sturdy log. Just as every log has a knot here and there, we all have our flaws. Yet, it’s easier and safer for us as husbands to adapt to our wives’ minor flaws rather than trying to uproot them with criticism and painful comments. Criticism is liable to crack or split the entire marriage; then what have we gained?
* * *
Time and again, I’ve seen rocky relationships and marriages on the brink of destruction make a dramatic turnaround for the better simply by implementing the simple yet amazing advice of the Baal Shem Tov and his great grandson Rebbe Nachman of Breslev. Don’t criticize!
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