The Radiant Home, Part 1
Usually, in the case of a separation, an entire advisory staff of action-seeking or well-meaning relatives, friends, and acquaintances appear on the...
Last week (part 2), we learned that the culprit behind marital crises and separation is the lack of emuna.
* * *
The “Advisory Staff”
Usually, in the case of a separation, an entire advisory staff of action-seeking or well-meaning relatives, friends, and acquaintances appear on the scene with all sorts of recommendations. One says, “Divorce her!” and another says, “Don’t give her any more money!” The separated husband’s mother frequently says, “You’re too good for her – she takes advantage of your good heart,” and the like. Nobody on the self-appointed “advisory staff” bears responsibility for their usually terrible advice, which further complicates the predicament and deepens the chasm of separation.
The only sound advice for a husband in exile is to revert to emuna and to begin acting like a human being. He should learn to give without expectations in return; he should readily send his wife money for the family’s needs and see that they lack nothing. He should encourage his children to listen to their mother and avoid using them as pawns in a war against her. On the contrary, he should do everything possible to avoid saddening her.
A New Beginning
One doesn’t become an ejected husband overnight – a long list of mistakes precedes a wife’s drastic measure of throwing her husband out of the house. But, once the ax has fallen, if he so desires, he can make a new beginning and weather this tribulation successfully. If he reinforces his emuna, maintains his composure and sincerely turns to Hashem with all his heart, he’ll soon see how his situation turns around for the very best. Emuna has the power to put out the fire.
A Wonderful Gift
Now that he’s on his own, the husband has time for observation, self-evaluation, and correction of whatever needs correcting.
Very often, financial difficulties and debts plunged the household into a downward spiral. Now, away from the constant tension and bickering, the husband is free to solve the problems of his finances.
Frequently, a husband’s bad character trait was the culprit behind the breakup. No wife enjoys anger, laziness, ingratitude, and stinginess, just to name a few of the criminal flaws that destroy peace in the home. Now on his own, the husband should concentrate on identifying and correcting such flaws.
Substance habits, addiction to gambling, and violent behavior are lethal to a marriage. If a husband wants his family back, he should do everything in his power to treat such serious problems at the core. The chilling-down period of a separation is a golden opportunity to seek help, kick bad habits, and strengthen one’s connection with Hashem. Enhanced prayer together with commitment and hard work increase the chances of success.
When Hashem sees that the husband has taken the necessary steps to fulfill his obligations, the wife will also discern the change for the better in her husband’s behavior. In that case, he won’t have to resort to all kinds of ploys in convincing his wife to take him back; she alone will ask him to come home.
When a husband returns home after having made the needed corrections, his relationship with his wife will be totally different. The apparent “tragedy” will reveal itself as a gift from Hashem that stimulated solutions to problems that otherwise would never have been solved. Only emuna can assure the gift of a truly new beginning in a marital relationship.
Don’t Be Hasty
A husband shouldn’t force the issue and demand to return home before the time is ripe. He should strengthen his emuna that Hashem knows when the time is opportune to return home, and wait patiently until his wife is prepared to accept him willingly. In the meantime he should take advantage of his circumstance to enhance his relationship with Hashem and to better himself.
Sometimes a husband asks to come home in order to handle pressing matters such as debts – this is a mistake. Debts and financial problems create tension even in homes of happily-married couples. The husband therefore is best advised to handle the problems from a distance, without creating additional friction by prematurely going home. He shouldn’t forget to include prayer, teshuva, and soul-searching in his list of things to do while solving any problem.
To be continued…
Disqualifier: This series is designed as food for thought and to provide practical guidelines for emotionally healthy people who are either married or contemplating marriage. It is not a substitute for the professional help required in situations of extreme emotional impairments and/or disturbances.
Tell us what you think!
Thank you for your comment!
It will be published after approval by the Editor.