Get a Spiritual Guide-Spiritual Weapons, Part 2

In Part 1 – Battle Plan, I outlined the traumatic situation that I had been thrust into, and how I realized that as gigantic and scary as it might be, it was at its root, just another test of emuna. Therefore, I needed to look at the problem with spiritual lenses according to emuna, and tackle the situation with Spiritual Weapons. And even though my problem, and therefore my parable, is divorce – the lessons that I learned through successfully battling my way through that fearsome test of emuna apply universally.  

However, I would be totally remiss to make like I slew the dragon of a messy divorce all by myself – hence, the very first lesson I learned was the crucial importance of a spiritual guide. Rabbi Arush also discusses the critical need for a spiritual guide in his article: Your “Waze” for the Road of Life. I am not going to repeat his teachings – I hope instead to give you the “practical view” of how following his advice will greatly benefit you, in this world and the next, from my own experiences. 

All the other lessons that I learned stemmed from the fact that I had huge Rabbanim, Gadolim, tzaddikim – whatever you choose to call them – guiding me. How else would I know what to do? What Jewish laws were appropriate to my situation? Every good army has an even better general at the helm. How can I, little Private Rosen, hope to know how to win this war on my own??? In fact, Hashem gave me the awesome gift that I had not one, but three, behind my back. For instance, that seminal decision itself to divorce – all three of them unanimously recommended it (without one being in contact with the other).  

However, one Rabbi in particular was behind every single major decision that I made throughout that grueling year – the Melitzer Rebbe. The Melitzer Rebbetzin speaks English (hence her amazing articles on our own website!) and we spoke on the phone at least weekly, and often more. The Rebbetzin became a foundation of wisdom, support, and guidance, and she took the bigger issues to the Rebbe for his advice. 

Needless to say, I greatly benefited from the excellent advice. I have no doubt that I would have suffered much more if I did not have someone with more experience than me, both in spiritual and physical matters, to guide me through very tough decisions.  

Take a very simple piece of advice that the Rebbetzin gave me, for example – to put a quarter into the charity box every morning, and ask Hashem for happiness and Divine guidance. I saw the difference immediately! It’s good, sound advice – the Gemara doesn’t say for nothing that “charity saves from death.” But I would have never thought of it myself.  

Then you have the bigger decisions. Thank you Hashem for these spiritual giants who insisted that I divorce and NOW, because all of my local Rabbis were totally against the divorce! They could not understand whatsoever what was the big deal about a porn addict (or the other marital issues involved). One told me sadly, “There are a lot of these types, and their wives simply try to manage. It’s not worth divorcing over.” Now, far be it from me to make a blanket statement to state that in every situation, the answer is to divorce someone into porn. After all, the entire point of this article is that you must get personal advice for your situation! 

However, take note that just because someone has the title of “Rabbi,” and might even lead a large congregation, does not mean that this person possesses the spiritual qualities of what Rebbe Nachman calls a manhig emiti – a real spiritual guide. Specifically, that is quite often NOT the case. Refer to Rabbi Arush’s article Choosing a Spiritual Guide on how to find and evaluate a spiritual guide, because I can tell you from personal experience – it ain’t easy.  

Sadly, I suffered a lot over the advice of various “Rabbis”, both in other situations before the divorce, in the advice I received that was instrumental in agreeing to the marriage itself, and throughout the divorce. Rabbi Arush has very strong words on the painful reality that faces such Rabbis when they get to the Next World, as they face the havoc that their bad advice wreaked. He adds, “It isn’t really their fault. They don’t have marital peace themselves – how can they possibly advise others how to achieve marital harmony? Better to read The Garden of Peace (or Women’s Wisdom for women) and get good advice…” Additionally, Rabbi Elgrod once told the Kollel, “Everyone should say every day ‘Thank you Hashem that I am not a Rabbi.’ It is very scary being a Rabbi, knowing that if you give someone bad advice, you will pay dearly for it.” 

In fact, I could add that a great way to test a real spiritual guide is if he really understands this truth, and lives it. A real spiritual guide knows full well the weight on his shoulders, and takes his responsibility with utmost seriousness. Every single one that I have had the privilege of meeting has this quality. On the flip side, the fakes I encountered were generally arrogant about their wisdom, and reckless and overly forthcoming with their advice. 

The fakes are oftentimes also the most charismatic – a real spiritual guide has a simplicity and authenticity to him that is hard to put into writing. They aren’t trying to wow people, or be much of anything besides themselves. You can also feel it when they lecture – without presumptions or specific oratory skills and gimmicks.  

The Gemara says that, “One who runs from honor, honor chases him.” That’s the person you want to be guiding you! If you even smell a hint of arrogance and wanting a title or honor, or attempting overtly or covertly to bring more people under their wing – run! 

I explain more about the benefits of having a real spiritual guide in Part 3, Shhh – Don’t Talk!