Burnout

I want to meet my soulmate – what can I do to speed up process? I am yearning so much to get married but I keep going on dates and it doesn’t work out. Do I thank Hashem for these terrible dates? Am just so worn out :(  

JP, Crown Heights, NY, NY, USA 

First off, Rabbi Arush also gave a hint to us girls – a woman can pray that her intended should read the book! Anyway, this is good for her, since in order for him to be a good husband, which of course she wants! – he needs to read the book, and she should be praying for that. But there is also the guarantee that a man who reads The Garden of Peace will find his soulmate. So, she prays he reads the book, which helps get him on track, and that makes him find – her! And he’ll be a better husband to boot. 

After that, you simply must be doing The Law of Gratitude. Yes, you thank Hashem for the terrible dates. I want you to know – before I found my husband, I wasn’t getting closer with every guy. I was the most, the most far away ever, the most lost, the most alone. Back then I didn’t know yet to say thank you for the suffering, but the key is that like every problem in life, like how to deal with Corona, the key is always, always emuna. The situation is what it is, but whether or not you suffer is up to you – and your emuna. 

It took a lot of work, but finally, finally I got to a point where I was happy being single. I am not holding up my life for some guy! (Don’t and I’ll tell you why – when you find him, G-d willing you get pregnant – and life as you knew it ENDS. Enjoy it now!) I did personal prayer every day and worked hard to find the holes, where had I fallen into bad situations, how did it happen, and how do I fix it. I prayed before and after every date, analyzing everything, learning about myself, learning about hints, learning about how to weed out the creeps. You have to be SO STRONG, so sure of yourself, to be able to say “no” with your head high and not let your heart run after how badly you want to be married.  

Repeat after me: “I want to be married – but ONLY to the right guy.”  

Trust me – being married to the wrong guy is absolute Hell on earth – much worse than being single. And even worse hell to get out! 

That being said, I learned a lot from my divorce and I can’t recommend enough my series on dating if you haven’t read it yet – Dating with Emuna. I wrote it based on my experiences the second time around and what helped me avoid the frogs and know the right one when he came like a red carpet was laid out in front of me with flashing lights on it. However, I can’t really take credit for it. Everything in it, I learned from Rabbi Arush and the Melitzer Rebbetzin. I promise you I am no guru – but I lived the mistakes and this is the incredible advice that helped me so much. Advice I needed very badly, and has helped many others as well. 

One more thing – the worn out feeling, yeah I know that feeling – but deep down, it comes from despair. From feeling hopeless, like maybe Hashem forgot about you? Or is punishing you? Or something? Like, Hashem, what on earth is going on?!  

So I come full circle, back to the emuna. This is where the belief that Hashem loves you, and absolutely WILL send you your soulmate at the right time comes in. It’s not a question of IF but WHEN. Your job is to thank Hashem, to ask Hashem to help you believe that He loves you and is doing this for your best, to do your best to try to make your matchmaker ie focus on making G-d happy and work on yourself and whatever might be getting in the way of it being good for you to meet the right guy. And just keep repeating over and over: I will meet and marry him at the exact moment Hashem wants. NOTHING and no one in the world can push that moment – but no one can delay it either! 

That’s the truth. Hashem knows your address. If you haven’t found him yet, that’s for the best. He’ll send him when you both are ready. Do what you can every day to get yourself ready, do your daily hitbodedut, and then just be happy and live your life as best you can. And whatever happens with the next date, that’s also for the best… 

Also remember – a recipe for burnout is not doing proper research. Only date someone after thorough research that shows there is a potential here! I dated less than 10% of my prospects. The matchmakers hated me, but it saved me an incredible amount of wear and tear, time and RISK falling for the wrong guy. 

Also, insist that you not be told about a potential guy until he has approved you. Men are less emotionally tied into the idea of a prospect. To do otherwise is a disservice to an upstanding girl. 

To come full circle – don’t forget the ultimate creep weeder! The Garden of Peace! Don’t even think about meeting a guy who isn’t willing to read the book. Hopefully he’s already read it and loves it. If not, you can give it to him and see what he says.  

But if he doesn’t love the book, if he has a million excuses why he doesn’t want to read it or doesn’t agree, or it doesn’t apply to him – RUN and don’t look back! Trust me – you’ll thank me. Unfortunately I have a few friends who didn’t take this advice, and they were all divorced within a few months, each with their own sob story… 

In summary – date with emuna, check in with your Matchmaker every day via personal prayer, do your best to search for why you still aren’t ready and fix it, and believe with certainty that Hashem will surely take care of you at the right time.  

In the meantime, enjoy life and be happy!