Don’t Be Stingy with Words

Rabbi Arush wrote strongly about the need to not skimp on words when it comes to our children. Children need loads of encouragement and words of love and affection. We also need to thank them for the good they do for us, and when they help out in the house, etc. 

While it’s true that children and young and impressionable, and these words are critical at this stage of life – it doesn’t mean that we should ignore our spouses. By nature, we notice the bad and forget the good. By nature we complain about what we don’t like, and forget to appreciate all the good in our spouse. 

People think that marriages are built on the big things. But the truth is, that it’s all in the small things. Just like a lot of things in life. A married couple’s lives are entwined to the smallest minutiae, and lots of little things add up. For instance, Rabbi Kelemen insists that a man should never walk into his house empty handed. It might only cost a dollar, but make sure your wife knows that you thought about her that day. The need to consider the needs of the other person and try your best to overcome the natural habit to “let it all go” now that you’re “safe” at home cannot be overestimated. 

One of the simplest and most powerful tools you can do to supercharge your marital harmony is simply to write down 10 things that you appreciate about your spouse – their good points – plus 10 thank you’s for things he or she did for you that day.  

Writing them down will help commit them to memory, so that over time, your memory will register more positive than negative. I want you to work a little bit – find a few different things every day. Move past the obvious “took out the trash” and “made dinner” notations.  

Love covers over all sins – and let’s face it, we all make lots of mistakes. Just like in child education – don’t fight the darkness. Put in a lot of light. And we all know that gratitude puts in the most light possible!  

Plus, when you have an argument, just take out that notebook and review it for a minute. It will make it so much easier to put the problem into perspective and find a way to move forward together. Sometimes, you might end up just biting the bullet and apologizing, even if you don’t think you’re really in the wrong. Peace is so important, and brings so much blessings, and look at how good he or she is… it’s just not worth it to fight…  

Remember Rabbi Arush’s rule: Whatever you think you’ll gain by fighting, digging your heels in, or arguing – not only will you lose maintaining the peace, which means that you lose a lot of blessings, but even if you win in the short term – you will always lose whatever you wanted in the long term. You simply never gain by fighting!  The Most Important Thing is Peace! 

I am not telling you to become a rag on the floor. I AM telling you that you must pray to Hashem to find a way to get what you want, or get your side heard, or whatever – but without arguments and fighting! It DOES exist and it IS possible, but you have to calm down, pray, think and possibly learn about how to both solve the problem and maintain the peace.  

Rabbi Arush has mentioned a few stories where he said that the Evil Inclination tried to convince him to fight, but he told himself, “I am not doing anything until I figure out how to do it in a way that maintains peace.” He said that if he had done his original ideas – it would have been a disaster. But with prayer, the solutions he found worked wonders, and everything turned around for the best!  

I remember one time my husband and I had a really nasty argument. We weren’t talking to each other. I put my head down on the table crying, and asked Hashem to make peace. At that moment, peace felt like something a million light years away. Who knows how long it would take us to heal the deep wounds that had been re-opened. Suddenly, I got an idea of what to do. I jumped up, and spoke to my husband according to the idea that I had. Within a few minutes, the entire issue was smoothed over! It was beyond words incredible. Clearly, both the idea itself and the Divine assistance that the idea worked were from Hashem, given as a gift because I prayed for help to make peace. 

Now – the last part of the homework – TELL your spouse what you wrote down that day! And reap the benefits.  

Here is Rabbi Arush explaining this concept in more depth – in just over one minute! Come on, one minute for marital bliss? You can do it!