The Garden of Gehinom

This past week was quite shocking for me. Within four days, three different women told me they were getting divorced. The crazy thing is that they all had similar reasons.

The reasons ranged from, “My husband doesn’t help me in any way with the house or the kids,” to “Right after I gave birth, I needed his help and all he did was complain that his dinner wasn’t ready and the house was a mess.” And everything in between.

Wow.

Before you go thinking this is a husband-bashing article, do your best to keep the flames of fire from bursting forth from your nostrils and just hear me out. Or read me out, because obviously you can’t hear me and I’m not speaking.

First, I’d like to clarify that by no means do I think every problem in a marriage is the husband’s fault. We women (except for me) are far from perfect, and we certainly have stuff we need to work on.

BUT. Rav Arush is very clear that the husband must be appreciative of everything his wife does for him, no matter how she treats him. Obviously I’m excluding any form of abuse. According to Jewish law, women are not obligated to marry, and they’re certainly not obligated to work, do any household chores, or even have children.

Marriage is strictly a spiritual correction for the man.

What does this mean, practically? I’ll break it down for you guys.

One: You’re not allowed to make any demands on her. ZERO. Throw that “I have it coming because I’m the man of the house” mentality in the garbage, where it belongs. If you want something, just ask nicely. If she can’t do it at the moment, tell her you understand and be patient until she’s able to do it!

Two: Get off your lazy behind. That means you need to help around the house. Don’t wait until she asks! Pick up that pillow that you’ve walked over 40 times! Is the baby crying while she’s giving your toddler a bath? Pick him up and see if you can calm him! Is she in the middle of folding laundry and the kids are demanding food? FEED THEM!

Three: Pay attention to her. If you can’t manage to pry yourself away from your smartphone, consider leaving it at work or getting rid of it if you don’t need it for parnassa. If you don’t need it for work, switch to a simple old-fashioned phone. There’s no reason to have any distractions while you’re at home, unless you legitimately have to work from home. If you must work, do it at a time when things quiet down, like after the kids are asleep.

Furthermore, sit down with her at the end of the day while the kids are sleeping, and just let her talk about how her day was. Try alternating looks between deep concern and fascination over the fact that the kids drew on the wall again and the supermarket is having a crazy sale on lemons.

Four: Say thank you! Since your wives are not obligated to lift a finger for you, everything she does is a complete act of mercy and lovingkindness. That includes washing your stinky socks.

Guys, take a step back for a minute and try to see things from your wives’ perspectives. Imagine being overloaded with housework, cooking, taking care of kids, being pregnant and feeling sick, being incredibly sleep deprived, and possibly having to work on top of everything.

Now, imagine her husband (not you, of course) making demands, demands, and more demands, all the while not saying thank you nor lifting a finger to help.

How do you think she feels?

This kind of life is Gehinnom. A wife wants to feel appreciated and special. She doesn’t want to feel like a slave or a dog. But that’s how you make her feel when you don’t behave as you should.

How much marital peace can you possibly have in a situation like this? Is it any wonder that she’s nagging you and doesn’t have any desire for you?

Take a good look in the mirror. While your wife isn’t perfect, it’s not your job to fix her. Your only job is to make sure you’re the best husband and father you can be. That’s it.

I promise that if you follow these four points, your home life will transform from The Garden of Gehinom to The Garden of Eden. And, I highly suggest you read The Garden of Peace, the ULTIMATE marital guide for men.