Is He Good Enough?

Dear Rachel,   

I was in a 10 month relationship with a man I thought I would marry. I broke up with him tonight because my parents believe he isn’t good enough with regards to good character traits. He continually tries to fight for us because he believes that we are meant for one another.  

I see truth in what my parents say and what he says. He is not perfect but he does seem good enough.  

But how do I know what Hashem wants from me? I feel lost, depressed, confused and pulled on two sides. Do you have guidance you can give me? 

All the best, 

E.N., Los Angeles, CA, USA 

Marriage and couples is tough business. There is a good reason why the Gemara says that every marriage is an aspect of Splitting the Sea – i.e. totally above nature! 

Only Hashem Knows a Soul 

The first thing you need to know is that despite our desire otherwise, you cannot know who your soulmate is – at least, not without Hashem’s help. A soulmate is an aspect of the SOUL – hence, spiritual. A Heavenly voice tells 40 days before the soul comes into this world, who they will marry. You and I – don’t hear that voice! We can’t know spiritual things in this world.  

Hence, we must have the humility to ask Hashem to reveal to us our soul mate! This isn’t a one-off request. Someone single should pray about it every single day in their daily personal prayer. You also need to refine who you are, and what you need in a mate. Again, you have absolutely no hope of doing this on your own – but in hitbodedut, you’ll get amazing insights that will help you know your real soul mate, as if a big, flashing light was going off. 

I personally experienced this. I had a long, broken road in dating before I found emuna and hitbodedut. I went through a period of more than a year praying and working on this issue, and felt that Hashem was literally like my personal therapist teaching me everything I needed to know and guiding my life and the people I met and dated in order to specifically work on what I needed to fix. I documented many of the valuable lessons that I learned during this time in my series: Dating with Emuna which I also highly recommend that you read, as it will explain in full many of the ideas that I will touch on now. 

When I finally triumphed in a the key test I had always failed (for me, it was saying “no” to a guy, especially one who liked me but I felt it wasn’t right) – the next week I met my husband! And it was like a red carpet with flashing lights was laid out for me. I was reviewing with Hashem every date (along with my Rebbetzin) and refining what I needed to discuss on the next date. It was quite organized and calculated, including in what order I broached different subjects. Soon enough it became glaringly obvious that this guy was the one Hashem had created for me: 

On our last date before getting engaged, I had the last three topics prepared and rehearsed ahead of time. I expected each one to take one date to tackle. After some small chat, I led into the first topic. One by one, in the span of about 15 minutes, my now husband proceeded to practically quote my exact thoughts and feelings on the issue back at me! I quickly asked to be excused and ran to the bathroom. I put my hands on the counter for support, looked at myself in the mirror, and said to my reflection, “You are getting married!!!” After I put myself together, we spent the rest of the date discussing kitchen appliances and which band we wanted for the wedding… 

By the way – it’s not like marriage is the end of the work. It is the beginning!!! And in all the difficulties that I do go through and am going through with my husband – the knowledge that THIS IS MY TRUE SOUL MATE helps me manage. What else do I want? Something besides what Hashem knows is best for me, however difficult?! Going into marriage with Hashem, enables you to also go through the marriage with Hashem! 

For someone who did not have the blessing to be connected to Hashem and emuna before they got married – never fear. Rabbi Arush is very strong that since a marriage is literally made in Heaven – you cannot actually marry the wrong one. This doesn’t excuse us from our own efforts, specifically prayer – but in the end all and be all, something will stop a match that isn’t right. After the fact also holds true – if you stood under that chuppah – then this IS your soul mate! This is based on one of the Rambam’s 13 Principles of Faith – G-d did, does and will do EVERYTHING. Including marriages! Whatever you are going through now is your spiritual rectification tailor-made by Hashem, and your spouse is included in “your portion” of which the Gemara says, “Who is happy? The one who is happy with his portion.”  

Who Dun It? 

Another principle of emuna is not to see anyone except Hashem. If your parents are pushing you to take a break – then GOD HIMSELF is pushing you to take a break! 

So, it seems that right now, you do need to take a break – to pray.  

This is especially important if you have been in physical contact with this guy.  

Sensuality is stronger than super glue – you only want to use it after marriage, after you have already clarified in your mind that this is someone that you definitely should be glued to! It’s a good thing – after marriage, you want super glue to have any hope of keeping you together. Marriage, finances, kids, life – all push a couple apart.  

But if used improperly too early – skin stuck together with super glue means pain, blood and scars to separate. Repeat that multiple times G-d forbid and there is no wonder why so many people are burnt out! 

Don’t Forget Follow-Through 

So, what does Hashem want from you right now? 

1. To do exactly what you did – ASK WHAT TO DO! 
 
Press the PAUSE button, and stop to ask important questions! The biggest risk is rushing into marriage without considering very well what you are doing.  

It’s easy to get in – and very difficult to get out. You should be scared enough to think twice and three times, and make sure you head is making the decisions, and not your heart, your lusts, or your fears of being alone. 

2. Now that you’ve gotten some good answers – learn them in depth.  
 
You’ll want to read The Garden of Emuna and Women’s Wisdom – The Garden of Peace for Women. Besides the dating series I wrote, we have great advice in the Dating section on our website.  

3. Implement these lessons. Ask Hashem every day, in your own words, to show you if this is the right guy for you.  
 
And if Hashem shows you that he isn’t, keep it up every single day until you find the one who is!  

Don’t forget to pray already now that you should live in peace and harmony with your soul mate, for holy and healthy children, and that Hashem should accompany you through this stage, and every stage, of your life.  

Next Steps 

I of course, do not know if this is the right guy for you, or not. But Hashem knows, and He has plenty of ways to make it clear to you.  

Tell this guy that you aren’t saying no right now – you are simply stepping back to decide what to do. If he is the right guy – then it will work out in the end. If not, then your parents were simply the stick of Hashem to stop a marriage to someone that isn’t your soul mate! And if he stubbornly refuses to respect your decision and continues to push you, then that already tells you something important about his personality… in which case, block his number and run for your life! 

Continued in Part 2 Don’t Settle for Less.