Dr. Emuna – The Ultimate Stress Busters

Previously, I answered the question of a young woman experiencing dating  Burnout.  Now,  a young man and I emailed back and forth about his continued stress about dating, and particularly a recent possibility that he ended: 

I am really stressed about a recent match that ended because there were a number of red flags, and my Rabbi recommended that I stop dating her. However, both sides keep spinning in my head. I keep going back to emuna as much as possible and it’s a work in progress of letting go of her even though I’m the one that dropped the shidduch. 

I appreciate all of your continued help and tips! 

Y.M., Brooklyn, NY, USA 

The Ultimate Stress Busters 

First, let’s deal with the feeling of stress behind the question – which just about everyone can relate to, whatever  the source of the stress might be. And the advice is the same for everyone as well… 

1. Do The Law of Thank You on the stress! And especially, on the lack of emuna that is underneath the stress. 

2. Speaking of which, start learning The Garden of Emuna, a page or two a day. Even if the topic at hand seems to not apply to the source of your stress, there is something magical about reading the book. I find I am calmer, more centered and more focused, and more prepared to serve Hashem. And all the more so if that day you read something that speaks to you right now, which happens more often than not.  

As an additional tip, try to read it first thing in the morning. Personally, I find it helps me wake up out of my morning reverie and spend the day much closer to Hashem. Read it whenever you can, but it’s a shame not to inject emuna into your day right from the start. Another tip is to read a little bit right before you start your daily personal prayer, since it will pump you full of emuna which will spill over into helping you speak better with your Creator. 

3. PERSONAL PRAYER. This is the whopper of all stress busters. To the point where I have a reminder in my hitbodedut journal – “when you are stressed to the max and you feel like a rat on a wheel, GO DO HITBODEDUT. Even more, know that your recent hitbodedut hasn’t been so great, because if you were getting outside for your daily walk and talk with Hashem properly – YOU WOULDN’T FEEL LIKE THIS!”  

That’s my personal reminder, and I think it applies to everyone. It really is better if there is any way to get outside and go for a brisk walk, if even for part of the time. Especially if you go to the same place every day since it minimizes distractions, and makes it easier to get right into hitbodedut mode since the brain clicks into the memory from the last time automatically. 

But even if not, nothing takes the weight of the world and the stress, generally fueled by some form of worry, fear or anxiety - read forgetting that Hashem who loves you is doing everything, taking care of you and doing everything for the very best – like going and throwing it all back on Hashem’s much bigger and stronger Shoulders. That is besides the fact that the judgments get sweetened and that takes a big, big load off of everything. 

No good reason why you shouldn’t do all three! You can do the Law of Thank You as the last 15 min of your hour of personal prayer + 8 times Psalm 100. Reading the book is a few minutes a day. 

One last piece of advice – you can’t imagine the power of putting a quarter into the charity box in the morning and asking for what you need, what is stressing you, etc. I’ve seen big, big things with it. Even better, get a Chut shel Chessed tzedaka box and say the prayer on the front to give it in Rebbe Nachman’s merit. If you’re interested, email  kupot@breslev.co.il  and we’ll mail you one. Takes a few weeks but it comes. Then when it’s full, open the back and count the money, make a donation on your credit card, and repeat. I myself do this! 

Coping with Questions 

As to this issue, I would thank Hashem that you can’t let go of her even though there were red flags. Ask Hashem to help you in the future, and thank Hashem for the suffering of the confusions, the worries, etc. Strengthen yourself in the emuna that you are absolutely in the hands of Hashem who loves you. If the shidduch was meant to be, then ask Hashem to show you. “But unless something major suddenly happens, then Hashem, help me to stay strong with the advice of my Rabbi, who told me to say no based on the red flags. Please Hashem, I have no way to know who is my soulmate, please make it very clear to me, and help me to date only with my mind and not let my heart run away with me when it isn’t right… please, please save me and let me marry my true zivug hagaon at the right moment, give me good advice…” 

As long as you are strong in your emuna – you can’t make a mistake! There is no such thing as a mistake. Ein od milvado! There is only Hashem. Mistakes only exist if you believe in chance, or in nature, etc. But once you go up to the world of emuna, then you know that you do your best and the results are up to HASHEM ONLY. Hashem makes you make your decisions, and their results are also determined by Him. Your job is to just learn from the show! 

By the way, Harav Arush just did an excellent English  Q&A  session  on finding a match, which you might really benefit from listening to Rav Arush Q&A in English – with Gedale Fenster. 

Before you watch, ask Hashem to enlighten your mind to find the solution to your question about this potential match through the video as well. G-d willing you’ll find good advice and answers!