Full Steam Ahead

Q: How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one – but they expect the whole world to revolve around them.
 
This morning, a strange thing happened to me and my husband. We were coming back from our local supermarket and going pretty slowly in the car because it was school time, and kids can get everywhere when it's school time.
 
My husband was doing around 20-25 km an hour. When he got to one of the small traffic circles near our house, he slowed down even more. The early morning sun was hitting him straight in the face, plus our windscreen was pretty dusty, so he couldn't see what I could see: a fifty-something women who was ignoring all the road safety rules by walking straight across the roundabout, directly in front of our car.
 
I found what happened next so bizarre. Thank G-d, my husband was going very slowly, not least because he'd realized he couldn't see very well what was in front of him. He had no idea the woman was there. She, on the other hand, clearly knew my husband's car was there, but she continued to walk, very leisurely, straight in front of the car. (She looked physically very fit.)
 
I started screaming at my husband: "Stop! Stop! Stop!" It took him a couple of seconds' to register what I was saying, and in that time, he really almost hit the lady – because she continued to walk, very leisurely, in front of the car as though it didn't even exist.
 
She didn't move a step out of the way, she didn't speed up, she didn't try to dodge the oncoming car in any way, shape or form. It was the most bizarre 'slow motion' almost-collision. Once my husband had slammed on the brakes, she continued to walk on, very leisurely, without even so much as a glance backwards.
 
But even though we didn't exchange a word, her whole attitude was radiating off her like a big neon sign: "I've done nothing wrong!!!!" She was so convinced that she was right, that she nearly got run over by a car travelling at 15 km an hour.
 
Before I found out about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, this woman's actions and reactions would have completely baffled me. OK, who doesn't occasionally run across roads they shouldn't? But if a car suddenly appeared on the scene – even if you were on a pedestrian crossing, and you were 100% convinced that you had the right of way – wouldn't you somehow react to a car that was coming straight at you, even if only to freeze in terror?
 
The answer is: yes of course you would, if you were a normal person! But as I've learnt the hard way, narcissists are the furthest thing from 'normal' people. One of the key things about them is that they genuinely, honestly believe that they can do no wrong. If you don't accept that you do things (anything…) wrong, at least sometimes, you don't change your behaviour. For a narcissist, the link between their own actions, and the evil consequences that ensue as a result, is completely broken.
 
So it is, that they can mistreat people (usually their family members) in horrible ways for years, and then be completely amazed that the person gets to a stage when they don't want anything more to do with them.
 
If you were dealing with a 'normal' person, you'd get to the point of make or break, and you'd explain how badly they are treating you, how miserable they are making you feel, how much they are hurting you – and if they wanted the relationship to continue, they'd validate your feelings, however minimally, and make some small effort, however minimal, to change.
 
But narcissists aren't like that.
 
Because nothing is ever their fault, that means that EVERYTHING is ALWAYS your fault, and having regular interactions with people like this is probably the most potent formula for despair, sadness and depression that I've come across.
 
We all sin, all the time. None of us is perfect. The more we get to know ourselves, particularly by doing personal prayer, the more honest we become and the more willing we are to admit to doing things wrong – lots of things.
 
This is the foundation of teshuva, or repentance, of coming back to G-d. But narcissists, even very externally pious narcissists, apparently can't make teshuva; they can't change course, they can't back down and admit they were mistaken, even if their lives literally depend on it.
 
There are two ways of dealing with narcissists: stay away from them as much as possible, and pray for them a lot, because when people are 'perfect', and can do no wrong, it means that they are about as far away from G-d as you can be.
 
 
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Check out Rivka Levy's new book The Happy Workshopbased on the teachings of Rabbi Shalom Arush