A Professor’s Cigarette

לְחֶצְרֹן מִשְׁפַּחַת הַחֶצְרוֹנִי לְכַרְמִי מִשְׁפַּחַת הַכַּרְמִי 

“Of Chetzron, the family of the Chetzroni; of Karmi, the family of the Karmi.” (Bamidbar 26:6) 

A Worldwide Awakening 

Lately, a movement has begun in certain municipalities and governments across the world to enact laws limiting the use of various technological devices by children in schools. 

They have come to realize that these devices and apps harm a child’s development, even on a physical level — just as the gedolei Yisroel, the Jewish leaders, warned decades ago. 

While the damage is far greater among the young, we cannot ignore the reality that these devices do enormous harm to adults as well. 

Crafting legislation to address the problem among adults, however, is far more complex. And so the laws focus on limiting usage among children, in the hope that the young will grow accustomed to the limits and carry that same perspective into adulthood. 

The Professor’s Cigarette 

The truth, however, is that all these efforts will have little impact in a home where the parents themselves are addicted to these devices. 

As long as a child sees his own parents glued to their phones, all the lectures, explanations, and rules about the damage these devices cause will be fruitless. It will be like the professor who delivers a long, impassioned lecture to his students on the harm of smoking — and the moment he finishes, pulls out a cigarette and lights it, undoing the entire effect of his words. 

If a father only preaches to his child while not living by his own words, then even if he offers some excuse or justification, the child does not take it to heart. And even if he obeys for the moment, he will not remain on that path once he grows up — for he tells himself that he need be no better than his own father. 

Fifteen Years Ago 

This is the meaning of the pasuk (Mishlei 22:6), chanoch la’naar al pi darko — “educate the child according to his way”: The word darko, “his way,” refers to the father’s own conduct – the child is educated by watching the ways of his father. Parents are living examples, and every child will eventually model his behavior on what he sees at home — on what he watches his parents do. 

When parents are mindful of this and grasp the power of their own example, conducting themselves the way they want their children to behave, then gam ki yazkin  lo yasur mimenah – “even when he grows old, he will not depart from it.” 

A young man once asked the Chofetz Chaim zt”l, when he must begin educating his son. The Chofetz Chaim answered him, “Fifteen years ago.” 

The man asked in astonishment, “But I myself am only twenty years old, and I am asking about my child, who is only one!” 

The Chofetz Chaim answered pointedly, “That is exactly what I said. A child’s education begins from the time the father, in his own childhood, first begins to choose his way of conduct — for as a rule, his son will later walk in the father’s path.” 

The Melamed Who Walked 

Therefore, a Yid must take additional precautions and focus on guarding his eyes from looking at non-kosher devices. 

This is the greatest test and challenge of our generation. It is all the more essential, then, that children see a living example of how one strives to keep far from such pitfalls and to avoid the dangers these devices present, both physically and spiritually. 

The Satmar Rav zt”l was once asked whether a school should let go of a melamed, a teacher, who would sometimes fall asleep in the middle of class. 

The Rav asked why the man kept dozing off, and they told him it was because he did not want to travel to the Talmud Torah by train, where he was liable to stumble upon things he should not be seeing; so every day he would walk a full hour on foot, and at times this left him weary and worn out. The Rav asked whether the students knew the reason, and they replied that they did. 

The Satmar Rav zt”l responded: “It is worth keeping him in his position — because he is a living example to his students of the mesiras nefesh, self-sacrifice, that one must take on to guard his eyes from seeing images and people he should not. And this is the education most needed in our generation.” 

When the Roots Are Ruined 

But a good educator is not enough. If the son sees that his parents don’t care about what they themselves look at, then even sending him to the finest schools with the finest teachers will not always help. As Dovid HaMelech wrote in Tehillim (11:3), ki  hashasos yehereisun, tzaddik mah pa’al, “when the foundations are destroyed, what has the tzaddik accomplished?” Once the roots themselves are ruined, what more can the tzaddik do? 

The father must be an example to his son in all his conduct, as the pasuk is expounded (Devarim  6:7),  v’shinantam l’vanecha, v’dibarta bam b’shivtecha b’veisecha uv’lechtecha vaderech uv’shochbecha uv’kumecha — “and you shall teach them to your children, and speak of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk on the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise up.” 

A father speaks to his children through his behavior at these very moments, when they are watching him. He must take care that his conduct itself tells them to live by the way of the Torah — rather than have them see him, when he sits and when he walks, when he lies down and when he rises, forever glued to these harmful devices, acting against the very thing he is teaching them. 

What the Children See 

If adults and parents do not realize that these devices are harmful to them too — telling themselves that they are “old enough” to handle the responsibility — it is only because their own desire is deceiving them, a fleeting and false pleasure that blinds them to the truth. 

This is exactly why, when they see their own children staring at these devices, it does bother them. They take no pleasure in what their children do, so they can realize how harmful it is. 

They should therefore be wise enough to realize, that the harm does not fade with age, and that they need to protect themselves as well — at the very least for the good of their children, so that the children not learn from them. 

And even where a parent imagines he has some sort of heter (permission, leniency) for the sake of parnasah (income) — justifying himself with the thought that these devices are essential to his livelihood, or the like — he must be very careful, at the bare minimum, not to use them at home where the children can see, and not to speak at home about what he saw there. For the plain reality is that children do exactly what they see their parents doing. 

The Courtyard and the Vineyard 

This is hinted at in the pesukim of the tribe of Reuven, whose name is a notarikon (acronym) of re’u ven, “look of the son” — for Reuven taught all of Klal Yisroel the necessity of guarding what one’s sons see. And so the pasuk alludes to it in the names of his descendants:   

L’Chetzron — one who conducts himself like a man standing in an open courtyard (chatzer), exposed on every side with nothing to hold him back — his descendants, too, will be mishpachat haChetzroni, the family of the Chetzroni, the family of the open courtyard. 

  

L’Karmi — one who conducts himself like a man standing in a vineyard (kerem), where the rows of vines block his view in every direction; that is, one who builds fences and safeguards to guard his eyes from gazing at unfiltered devices and the like — his descendants, too, will be mishpachat haKarmi, the family of the Karmi, the family of the vineyard, and he will merit abundant nachas, both materially and spiritually. 

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The Kalever Rebbe is the seventh Rebbe of the Kaalov Chasidic dynasty, begun by his ancestor who was born to his previously childless parents after receiving a blessing from the Baal Shem Tov zy”a, and later learned under the Maggid of Mezeritch zt”l. The Rebbe has been involved in outreach for more than 30 years and writes weekly emails on understanding current issues through the Torah. Sign up at www.kaalov.org.