Guide to Self-Assessment, Part 4 

Translated from Rabbi Arush’s feature article in the weekly Chut shel Chessed newsletter. The articles focus on his main message: “Loving others as yourself” and emuna. 

Have We Been Fooled? 

“Rabbi, I am very angry. I believe that they deceived me!” 

This young man came to me filled with bitterness. He had returned to Torah Judaism some twenty years earlier, and he was now married with children. But as the years went by, his enthusiasm subsided and all sorts of problems began to beset him. He came to me to unload his frustrations. 

“Rabbi, when I was still a secular Jew, people told me how wonderful it is to live a life of Torah. They described the privilege of waking up each morning to meet Hashem with the song of fresh, new life. They described the serenity of living with faith and trust in Hashem. They described how nice it is to spend Shabbat with family, singing zemiros together and sharing divrei Torah (words of Torah), and how this develops mutual love between family members. They also spoke of the beauty of the marital harmony that exists in a traditional Jewish home. 

“Well, I’ve been married for eighteen years, and for the last ten years, life at home has been anything but peaceful and pleasant. I don’t feel any connection with Hashem. My Shabbat table is a battleground, filled with fights and shrieking, and it gives me no pleasure. For the last ten years I have felt no enthusiasm in davening; many times I daven alone, and when I do go to shul, I make sure to arrive only around the time for Yishtabach, and then I make a quick exit after Kedushah. My life is one long race trying to earn a parnasah (income) and take care of my children’s needs, but as they get older, things just grow worse! There are many halachot (religious laws) that I find too hard to observe. In short, I have no life! 

“One day I had a conversation with a neighbor. He is about my age, but he grew up in a Chareidi  household, and he has a large family. I figured his situation must be far better than mine, but then I found out that his life was even worse than mine. He just knew a little better how to hide it. 

“So what’s going on? Where is the sweet, pleasant Judaism that I had been promised? Where is the unshakable faith that is supposed to comfort and console me? Where is the shalom bayit (peace in the home)? The enthusiasm? The Shabbat experience?” 

There Is No Other Way 

I pitied this poor young man, but I know that he is not the only one who feels this way. I asked him, “Did you feel this way during your first years on this path?” 

“No, not at all,” he replied. “My first years were really like Gan Eden.” 

“That’s good,” I said. “This means that you really did feel at that time that a Torah life and a traditional home are good and pleasurable. The problem is that you thought that things would automatically continue that way. You had no idea what you were supposed to do to keep it up, how to improve it, and how to build your life with happiness and satisfaction and continuous growth. So let me reveal this great secret to you. No matter how much we scream it out to everyone, it remains a secret that people don’t get.  

“There is only one way to guarantee feeling Gan Eden in this world and to continuously change for the better, and that is to work on yourself. It means to daven sincerely. It means to give an hour every single day for a proper session of hitbodedut (personal prayer). There are no shortcuts. What did you think – that once you had felt the pleasure of emunah and avodat Hashem and shalom bayit you could retire, and a spiritual pension would keep on flowing into your neshamah’s account? 

“Let me tell you something – the bare truth. I don’t have any magical solutions for life’s problems and I don’t tell people theoretical concepts. If you have come to me, I will teach you practical steps for serving Hashem, but it all depends on you. If you do your homework, you will see changes for the better. If you leave here and go back to sleep, however, don’t expect anything to change. If you don’t change yourself, how do you expect your yeshuah to come? 

“It makes no difference if you come from a Charedi household or from a secular home. If you don’t work on yourself, nothing will change. That is the plain truth.” 

Remember the Good Beginnings 

He was in such a bad way, and his family was falling apart, and so I offered to take him out to the field every day for a week. As we walked, we spoke about all the components of hitbodedut, the very things I’ve written about [Editor’s Note: See In Forest Fields and Your Greatest Hour] and taught over the years. He suddenly discovered a whole new, wonderful world. 

I took that opportunity to teach him the things I wrote about over the past few weeks [Editor’s Note: see articles in the Guide to Self-Assessment series]. I taught him about combining avodat haratzon (work of one’s will), which is to daven  for all the things one needs, together with his cheshbon hanefesh (self-assessment). I taught him how to thank Hashem for every good thing that he succeeds in accomplishing. It was like pouring cool water on a parched soul. After that we separated, and he went to his spot for hitbodedut while the thoughts were still fresh in his mind. 

That first hitbodedut session was like a rebirth for him. He cried like a baby over the years he had thrown away, but I told him that he was not lost and he should not feel like a failure. He should just continue on  this new path, and success was still in his future. 

The very next morning, he woke up feeling very different. His davening was a new experience. He finally felt enthusiastic about it, after many years of feeling emptiness. I told him, “So now it’s time to thank  Hashem wholeheartedly. But don’t fool yourself! You will thank Hashem during your cheshbon hanefesh, but you must continue to give that five minutes to daven for each thing. Davening will continue to be a vital part of your day for the rest of your life. 

“The fact that things worked out well today doesn’t mean that you’ve mastered this formula. It is vital that you continue to daven every single day. In this lifetime, you either advance and improve or you will regress. Always remember to thank Hashem for the things you were able to accomplish today and to  daven for Him to help you in the future. Every day, and no matter what is going on!” 

This is the totality of cheshbon hanefesh. It is not just to review critically how you davened yesterday and to give a moment to do teshuvah for your shortcomings. It means to invest several minutes to daven that you will be able to get up in the morning, and another few minutes to daven that you will have a good  Shacharis, for that is a central feature of your day, affecting everything in life. 

By the end of the week he had absorbed the lesson, and he began to feel true emunah once more. Not everything can change in one day, but he was on the path. He had the tools to revolutionize his life, as long as he would keep it up. 

Life Doesn’t Go on Autopilot 

We can find a hint for this concept in this week’s parashah. Rashi asks why the Torah uses the term beha’alot’cha (when you raise) instead of the term lehadlik (to ignite). He explains that it is not enough to simply touch the flame to the wick in the candelabra. The mitzvah demands that the kohen continue to hold the flame to the wick until the wick is totally aflame and burning on its own, so that it can now draw on the oil in the lamp to continue burning steadily throughout the night, and so the ner hama’aravi (the Western Lamp) will continue to burn until the following evening. 

Some people make the mistake of thinking that at a certain stage in life their flame has been fully charged and that from then on it can run on autopilot. They feel that they have reached their goal and that they can now relax. The truth, however, is the exact opposite. The candles must be rekindled every single day. 

If someone makes a cheshbon hanefesh but he doesn’t pause to daven for  Hashem’s assistance in the future, it is like touching the flame to the wick and removing it before The process of cheshbon hanefesh  is a person’s daily candle-lighting, for without frequent cheshbon hanefesh a person is in the dark. the flame has grown to the point where it can burn brightly on its own. If he does stop and invest a few minutes to daven, he not only lights the candle, but he also enables it to continue burning on its own. Even then, that is enough for only one day. The next day, the process must be repeated, and this is true for every day of one’s life. 

Even if you have davened for many years and have reaped good results, you must continue to  daven every single day. This can explain Rashi’s comment: “This teaches us Aharon’s virtue, for he did not change.” Would anyone think that Aharon might not follow Hashem’s instructions exactly? Why in the world would he change? But according to our thesis we can explain that Aharon davened for Hashem to help him perform the mitzvah correctly, and even after years had gone by he continued to daven every single day for Hashem’s assistance. He never changed the routine! That is the only route to a life filled with light – the light of Torah and Judaism!