Guide to Self-Assessment, Part 2

Translated from Rabbi Arush’s feature article in the weekly Chut shel Chessed newsletter. The articles focus on his main message: “Loving others as yourself” and emuna.  

Getting Unstuck 

I had a heart-to-heart talk with one of my close talmidim, and he described how he does  hitbodedut  (personal  prayer): 

“I have the half hour for avodat haratzon (working on one’s will), which I use to daven for a single thing, as you have taught us. Thanks to Hashem’s abundant mercy, I do this and I see positive results, Baruch Hashem. But I have been feeling pretty much stuck regarding other aspects of hitbodedut. I do mishpat and judge myself, and I do teshuvah again and again for the same things, but I don’t really feel any change or improvement. 

 

“So then I decided to combine mishpat with my avodat haratzon. For some time now, I feel like I am in Gan Eden during my hitbodedut, and I finally feel that I am genuinely serving Hashem and making progress. 

 

“This is how I do it. When I do mishpat and make a cheshbon hanefesh, I don’t want to feel that my time is limited. It’s not the time that really matters; it’s that I do cheshbon hanefesh in the best and deepest way. Therefore, I don’t look at the clock at all. 

 

“There is a particular spot in the field; it takes me two and a half minutes to get there. If I walk the distance twice, I know that five minutes have passed, and if I walk it three times, I know that a little more than seven minutes have passed, so I can estimate my time without the help of my watch. 

 

“When I do mishpat, I simply go over everything that happened since my hitbodedut session the previous  day,  following your advice. When I come upon something that needs a tikkun (repair), and especially if it is something that comes up repeatedly, or if it is a general issue that affects many aspects of my avodat Hashem, I interrupt my mishpat for five or seven minutes and immediately go into avodat haratzon mode. I know how much time I give to this thanks to my “spot in the field.” These five minutes or so help me fill in what I am missing, at least in a small way, and I would rather achieve a little than nothing at all.” 

A Little Is Also Good 

When my talmid finished telling me this and waited for my response, I told him, “This is exactly what I meant! You hit the nail on the head! Heaven has given me the ability to do the same for many years now, but I have never described it as well as you have just now. How much time each day does this take you?”

“Between an hour and an hour and a quarter,” he replied. “It’s really not a long time if you consider what I get out of it and how it influences my entire life. Now that I see what doing mishpat  (meaning cheshbon  hanefesh, self-examination) in this way does for me, I cannot imagine going without it, and it  doesn’t matter how much pressure I am under. I always clear the necessary chunk of time to do this  mishpat  together with avodat haratzon.” 

There are things that you live with for years on end, and they seem so obvious to you that you don’t ever think of speaking about them or explaining them. I have had the privilege for many years to teach my talmidim how to do hitbodedut, but I never described it in this manner. This is what Chazal meant by, “I learned from my talmidim more than from anyone else.” 

Last week I wrote about the problem with the regular manner of doing mishpat – that you simply examine yourself and find your faults, but you don’t give some time to actually change. I compared it to someone who checks the levels of water and oil in his car, but who never bothers to top off the levels. 

I wrote that real change can be achieved through avodat haratzon. Only through sincere, serious  davening can you build a strong desire. It is the only thing that can make a positive influence on your life and change you for the better. Of course, you should give this at least half an hour a day, but that does not mean that giving it only five minutes, or even only one minute, won’t have any effect. Every prayer is infinitely powerful, especially if you can manage several minutes of concentrated davening. Over the years, these few minutes will add up to something immeasurable. 

A Winning Combination 

Among Breslever Chassidim, there is a famous story told about Reb Noson. It happened one Friday, when Reb Noson was totally occupied with his Shabbos preparations. In the middle of it all, he stopped and walked over to the door to call his talmid, Rav Nachman of Tulchin. He told him, “I am going to stand here to do hitbodedut, so please pay attention to the clock and tell me when five minutes have passed.” 

Standing by the mezuzah, Reb Noson began davening with great emotion. When Rav Nachman signaled to him that the time had passed, Reb Noson turned to him with a wide smile and said joyfully, “Reb Nachman, those were five wonderful minutes!” 

With those words, Reb Noson has given us a powerful lesson – every five-minute period is very important. A five-minute period can influence you for a lifetime. So, if you are unable to put everything aside and invest half an hour, an hour, or six hours for serious avodah, at least grab five minutes of davening somewhere during your day. You can be sure that those “small” increments of time are not at all small. They are giant! 

The combination of avodat haratzon with cheshbon hanefesh during hitbodedut is a winning formula. It calls for deep emunah that davening works, and deep appreciation for every little positive thought and every little act of avodat Hashem. This is the entire point of the Rebbe’s  Likutei Moharan Torah #282, which is to search for and concentrate on little positive points. 

Aiming for the Sky 

When someone does mishpat and cheshbon hanefesh in this way, he must not forget to thank  Hashem  wholeheartedly for his small points and the small acts that he manages to do throughout the day. In fact, as much as you invest and expand your avodah to do teshuvah and improve yourself, you must invest even more into the avodah of thanking Hashem for what you have accomplished. Next week we will speak more about this and explain how you can deepen your mishpat to include thanking Hashem. 

Using this method, your mishpat and cheshbon hanefesh become much more than a self-examination. They become a power plant, charging up an energized ratzon in every area of life. 

Every time we daven to have the ability to give an hour each day for proper hitbodedut, the main thing is to emphasize the term proper. Any hitbodedut is a good thing, even if it is spent in silence. If you sat by yourself, said nothing, and an hour went by, you have really accomplished! But our hope, our real goal, is to do hitbodedut properly, and the method we have described today is the definition of proper hitbodedut. 

The very best way for us to complete this period of sefirat haomer, including the final week of Malchut leading up to Shavuot, the holy day of Matan Torah, is to serve Hashem with hitbodedut that includes emunah, davening, expressing thanks to Hashem, doing teshuvah, making a cheshbon hanefesh, meditating, and avodat haratzon. Everything comes wrapped up in a single package. 

Dear readers, you who seek Hashem, rejoice! Fortunate is he whose ears and heart are open to listen to this advice and to try to fulfill the method of hitbodedut wholeheartedly. This is the greatest of all spiritual advice, and fortunate is he who follows it. Fortunate is he who hopes to climb the ladder of  avodat Hashem through using the wonderful tool of hitbodedut to its maximum. 

This is the formula for perfect avodat Hashem. Put it into your lives and use it to work on yourself and change for the better. Use it to sanctify yourself, to purify yourself, to cleanse yourself of your base desires and negative character traits. Use it to fulfill all the mitzvot of the Torah, the easy ones and the difficult ones alike, and fulfill Hashem’s Will in perfection – the purpose for which we were placed on this world. 

The method described at the start of this essay is all-inclusive. Next week, with Hashem’s help, we will add a deeper dimension to it through the avodah of thanking Hashem. We will then summarize the entire lesson to provide you with the perfect tool for receiving the Torah and fulfilling it in practice.