Guide to Self-Assessment, Part 1

Translated from Rabbi Arush’s feature article in the weekly Chut shel Chessed newsletter. The articles focus on his main message: “Loving others as yourself” and emuna. 

The Art of Maintaining a Car 

Moishe invested a lot of money to purchase his car, and he uses it for many daily chores. Now, owning a car is a big responsibility, and Moishe is a responsible fellow, especially since it can affect other people’s lives and their property. For this reason, before going on any trip, Moishe makes sure to examine his car, to check whether it has enough motor oil and water, and whether all its systems are functioning properly. After all, Moishe is a man of principle, and he always stands by his principles no matter how much money it might cost him. It’s an admirable trait. 

You can imagine, therefore, how shocked Moishe was to find one day that his engine had burned out. The mechanic told him that he was running the engine without motor oil, but Moishe retorted angrily that he checked the oil level every single day. The mechanic was flustered by Moishe’s stubborn clinging to his claim, but he had enough years of experience to realize what the problem was. He told Moishe, “It’s wonderful that you check it daily, but when was the last time you filled up the oil and water?” 

Moishe’s blank expression told the whole story. Sure, he checked the levels, but he never bothered to add any oil or water even when he found that it was needed. And so, the engine simply burned itself out. 

Don’t Just Check the Numbers 

We are already in the final weeks of sefirat ha’omer. Each day and each week corresponds to another character trait for us to perfect in preparation for Kabbalat haTorah. Okay, so we have listed all these traits, but have we done anything to bring them up to par? Have we changed at all in the month that has gone by? 

After counting the omer each night, the tefillah we recite states that we hope to use this period “to cleanse ourselves from the klipa (peel, husk) and from the tumah (ritual impurity) that we have amassed.” We’ve counted the days, but have we changed for the better? 

Of course, the mitzvah itself automatically purifies our neshamot, to a degree. But the bottom line is: Are we davening (praying) better? Are we investing more time in learning? Have we improved our middot (character traits)? Are we more careful about the things we allow ourselves to see, and to control our desires? 

If your answer is negative, it’s because you took care of the problems the way Moishe took care of his car. When we count the days of the omer, we are supposed to remind ourselves that we are meant to be using these days to prepare for Matan Torah (giving the Torah on Har Sinai on Shavuot). Sure, you counted the days of the first week, which correspond to the trait of chessed, but what have you done to improve that trait in your heart? The same question can be asked about each week and its corresponding trait. 

So, what are we supposed to do about it? We must work on our desire to improve. Just as we must count each day for 50 long days, we must take upon ourselves to daven sincerely for as long as it takes, to daven for Hashem to help us make these important changes. You can’t change instantaneously, and you can’t change unless you invest hard work into it. 

Davening works like filling up the motor oil level in your car. It is your spiritual motor oil. Reb Nosson wrote, “Wherever I see that things are not as they should be, it is either because the people failed to daven for it, or because they didn’t daven enough.”¹ 

Hitbodedut Is an Art 

This sheds a new, wonderful light on how we work on cheshbon hanefesh (self-assessment) during our time of hitbodedut (personal prayer). It is obvious that it is impossible to advance in  avodat  Hashem  without doing regular cheshbon hanefesh. The Mesillat Yesharim, which is the master guide to  avodat  Hashem, states unequivocally, “This is the only path to successfully reach the goal that we seek. There is no other way.” 

Of all the guidance given to us by the holy Rebbe, Rebbe Nachman of Breslev, the most important is his advice to do hitbodedut. We have already written entire volumes about this wonderful spiritual device. The Rebbe promised – even guaranteed – that whoever devotes an hour each day to hitbodedut will succeed in rectifying himself.² As faithful talmidim of the Rebbe, who hope to genuinely fulfill Hashem’s Will, we are certain that the central factor in this holy endeavor is hitbodedut. But we don’t want to just do it  by  rote; we want to do it as it is supposed to be done, without giving ourselves any discounts.  Hitbodedut  is a powerful tool, but it won’t help much unless you know how to use it, and the most important part of hitbodedut is judging yourself – cheshbon hanefesh. The better we do  cheshbon  hanefesh,  the more we will advance. 

Only Through Prayer Can You Change 

I have always written about cheshbon hanefesh and explained how it is to be done, especially in the book In Forest Fields. You must tell Hashem in detail everything you have done in the past day – every thought, every statement, and every deed. You have to thank Hashem for every good thing that you accomplished, and you must repent for everything that was not so good. That is, you must genuinely regret those mistakes and beg Hashem to forgive you. You must resolve to avoid repeating those mistakes and ask Hashem to give you the strength to avoid repeating them. 

That’s a wonderful thing. Whoever does this properly will definitely see positive changes in himself. But it is still possible to upgrade this so that your self-examination will become a much more powerful tool.  

As I recommended in my book A New Light – The Garden of Yearning and Will, one should devote another half hour daily to daven for Hashem to help you improve in one specific facet of avodat Hashem, besides the time set aside for self-examination and cheshbon hanefesh.  

I hope to devote this issue and the ones following it to sharpening my focus on this facet of our tikkun. I hope to upgrade our hitbodedut, making it a powerful tool to really affect change in ourselves. 

Professional Cheshbon Hanefesh 

First, let’s define the problem. Our standard self-examination includes a short stop at each item that needs correcting. We confess, admitting that we are at fault, and we do a little teshuvah, but in the end we are like the person who realizes that his car needs more oil or water but who does not bother to add it. We are not really fixing the problem. What we need is plenty of prayer. Without this, we spend our time diagnosing our failures without ever fixing them. We never really change. 

Of course, it is still good to do this. It would be wonderful if we would judge our every thought, word, and deed. But why not make it many times more effective? Why not advance a hundred steps and make it a tool for deep and meaningful change? 

Therefore, I am going to present you with the correct steps to achieve this. In this issue, I will simply present the general idea, and in the upcoming issues, I will go into more practical detail. 

The proper procedure is to include working on your desire to improve together with your work on self-examination. That is, when you discover something in which you are failing and for which you need to do teshuvah, devote five minutes right then to daven for Hashem to help you specifically to rectify this one thing. If you do this each time as you examine yourself and your deeds, you will amass many minutes of davening, which might add up to hours of davening for Hashem to help you want to improve in many areas of your daily life. You can change yourself through davening. Only through  davening. 

This is besides the half hour devoted to davening for the most critical issues that you need to change or acquire. As I explained in A New Light, this is in addition to that. 

Hitbodedut is the most important subject on my list of priorities; it is close to my heart. My primary desire is for me and all my students, and all of Klal Yisrael, to improve in our davening and in hitbodedut. This is the true path for a life of teshuvah and to come genuinely closer to Hashem. So, dear readers, if you also wish to change for the better, join us for next week’s issue, and put the lessons into practice. We hope that we will all succeed in truly purifying our neshamot and in doing sincere teshuvah through love. 

Editor’s Notes: 

¹ Likutei Tefillot, Introduction 

² Likutei Moharan II, Torah 25:1