Shaping the Future Generation 

Translated from Rabbi Arush’s feature article in the weekly Chut shel Chessed newsletter. The articles focus on his main message: “Loving others as yourself” and emuna.  

Having Good Children Depends on Your Choice 

In the past few years we, unfortunately, have experienced air raid sirens and missile attacks and  have spent time in bomb shelters. Besides our immense gratitude to Hashem yitbarach, we can contemplate these events and learn an important moral message. This message is relevant to the topic of our current series of articles, which are about increasing one’s tzniut (modesty). We will devote these  articles to strengthen women in the matter of tzniut and to emphasize the great influence tzniut has on our children’s success in life.  

As we wrote last week about Kimchi, the righteous woman, even the beams of her home never saw her hair. All seven of her sons served as High Priests¹. Chazal say – and Rabbeinu brings this in his Sefer Hamiddot – “Tzniut in a woman gives her the merit of having fine children.²” An endless number of sources show that the success of children in life is dependent on the holiness of the parents, and especially the mother! 

This is an article that is very relevant for men as well, so that they should know how important their wives’ tzniut is, and not so that they should rebuke their wives, chalila, but only so that they should pray that their wives be completely modest, and certainly the husbands shouldn’t get in the way of their becoming more particular about tzniut! 

Who’s the Normal One, And Who’s the Crazy One? 

Imagine a family that has no safe room (bomb shelter) and every time there is an air raid siren all family members must go down to the building’s communal bomb shelter. And now, imagine that there is a siren, and the entire family rushes to get down to the bomb shelter. The father and children are searching for the mother: “Where’s Imma?” They then find her putting on her finest clothes and makeup… 

What will they say? Presumably, they will shout at her: “Imma! What are you doing? Our lives are in  danger, and you have time to get dressed up and put on makeup?! Right now, we should be saving our very lives!” 

What will she reply? Is it logical for her to say: “How can I leave the house when I am dressed slovenly and wearing a simple housecoat?” Of course not! This would indicate total insanity! When one’s life is in danger, one doesn’t care about who is looking at them and what people will think, right? 

This is comparable to a woman who wants to walk in the street with attractive clothes,  exaggerated makeup, and perfume wafting behind her. If you ask her why she is doing this, she will justify herself by saying that she has to look “respectable”, and not sloppy or unkempt. 

But a woman who understands that immodest clothing causes harm to her children – will find it very easy to feel danger and to realize that this is not the time to beautify herself. It is the time to wear simple and loose clothing, in soft and inconspicuous colors, as the halacha demands. 

And if your friends will mock you, and laugh at you and humiliate you, think for yourself: If you would be going down to the bomb shelter when there is a siren dressed in simple clothes and without makeup – would they have laughed then? Of course not! Even more so, if you would begin to put on makeup when the siren is sounding, they would think you were crazy. 

And so, women who don’t go according to the laws of tzniut are the crazy women. They are  abandoning  the future of their children instead of getting nachat (spiritual pleasure)  from their doing Hashem’s will. Now,  that is called being crazy! 

The Woman Builds and The Woman Destroys 

A woman who sees the spiritual danger much more than any physical danger and is truly concerned for her children’s future, does not get confused. She finds it is worth it to go without the imaginary admiration of her clothes and her external looks, because she is always aware of Hashem’s will and the good of her children. 

I have a first-person account about a righteous woman from the previous generation who would comb her hair only under the table. When she was asked by a female relative why she was doing so – even when there were no men around – she replied: “I don’t want my hair to be seen in my home in any situation, whether there are men or not, because this is the future of my children.” This woman merited some very great things, including children who became talmidei chachamim (Torah scholars)  and  mezakei  harabbim (people who encourage other people to do mitzvahs)! 

And so, many righteous women in every generation had children who lit up the world in the merit of their mother’s extra tzniut. Happy are they and their portion is blessed. 

There is a great rabbi in this generation who speaks a lot about kedushah. He has said that the  men’s  nisayon (test) regarding their eyes is a very difficult one that exists every single minute: When  he leaves the house, the nisayon is just beginning. But the woman’s nisayon is relatively easy. When she leaves the house – that’s when the nisayon ends. And he said that, given the tremendous blessings from tzniut for the children’s future, had he been a woman, he would have made a big box that would have  covered him completely, so that no one would see any part of him! 

And know that there are no mistakes! There are no mistakes in this world!  Every strengthening in holiness has its reward – and the opposite is true as well. A woman builds, and a woman destroys: Your tzniut, your kedushah, that is what builds up the husband and the children and creates an atmosphere of true happiness in the home! 

The Husband Helps His Wife 

This is not coming to take anything away from the husband’s responsibility to be careful with what his eyes see and its influence on the children’s success. In the next article we will, G-d willing, say what there is to say about the husband. But this is relevant to you too as a wife: Pray for your husband and give him the strength to guard his eyes, because the holiness of the husband and the holiness of the wife depend on each other. Your husband’s shmirat eynayim (guarding one’s eyes) gives you the ability to be modest, and your prayers and tzniut give him the strength to acquire holiness and purity. 

Therefore, the women, too, should read the articles about men, so that they will be more modest, as well as pray for their husbands that they will work on themselves every day and pray every day for success in guarding their eyes. 

There is no solution other than tefilla (prayer)! Both for women and for men! You can have a moment of enthusiastic resolve that will last for a day or two, but then it wears off and society applies pressure and the yetzer hara takes over. 

Don’t Take Chances 

And therefore, a woman who wants to truly increase her tzniut and help her children for all eternity must work on her resolve regarding tzniut, as we wrote in the book Ohr Chadash (A New Light – The Garden of Yearning and Will). She must remind herself every day how much all of her children’s success in life depends on her tzniut. She should think of the many spiritual dangers that threaten this generation’s  children and teenagers. She should simply stand and pray every single day to Hashem to save her and help her, and to give her daat (knowledge, understanding) to see the goal and how life-saving it is for herself and for her children. She must ignore completely all the background noise and overcome those momentary imaginary feelings regarding lack of tzniut. 

Just to remind you: tzniut is not only the length of a skirt, but all of one’s behavior and speech. Especially in this generation, when all the barriers have been breached and people think that it is “normal” to speak inappropriately, something that is a very big stumbling block. Therefore, every woman should learn the halacha on these matters and know what is forbidden and what is permitted.  

And even regarding things that are permitted, it is good to be extra careful. Avoid them as much as possible, because in matters in which there is a great yetzer hara, one must make use of all the safety measures and go to the furthest end. Chazal say that anyone who sees a sotah (a woman suspected of infidelity) in her disgrace should renounce wine³. When there is a great yetzer hara in the world and in the streets, and when all reality has deteriorated morally, we must be overly strict even when it comes to things that are permissible. We must stay away from any behavior likely to arouse and increase the yetzer hara. 

And in the merit of our guarding and our strengthening of our behavior in kedushah and tzniut, the holy Shechinah will rest among us and will bring us blessing and protection and children who are good and successful and talmidei chachamim! 

Editor’s Notes: 

¹ Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Yoma 47a and Yerushalmi Talmud, Tractate Yoma 1:1 (38d) 

² Sefer HaMidot, Part 1, Children (Banim) 9 

³ Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Sota 2a and Tractate Berakhot 63a