When Father Lends a Hand

Translated from Rabbi Arush’s feature article in the weekly Chut shel Chessed newsletter. The articles focus on his main message: “Loving others as yourself” and emuna. 

A Father Who Is Too “Good” 

I have seen adults who have been angry at their parents for years because of injustices they suffered at the hands of their parents, or because they think their parents did bad things to them. 

But you will be surprised to know that there are quite a few people who are angry at their parents because their parents pampered them too much – because they never said “no” to them, because the parents failed to set limits, didn’t let them make an effort, didn’t demand enough from them, didn’t act authoritatively enough as parents. 

Those that are angry are already in a better place, because they understand that they were raised wrongly, and that they actually have a type of disability, and they are facing a challenge. The greater problem is with those who do not understand they have a problem; they are suffering and don’t know why. After all, everything in their childhood was seemingly good! 

An axiom of child education is that it is important to any person who loves his children that they should be successful in life; that they should have the tools to live right; that they should know how to cope with adversity, be creative, and, most important – that they should be good people who do good things to other people; they should possess fear of Heaven; be moral human beings; know how to overcome bad traits and desires and be willing to yield to some else’s wishes; that they should be influential and know how to get along with people and with systems, etc. 

To pamper children without limit is not love. To give children all that they want is not love. To give in to children’s demands is not love. To be “nice” to the child on his own terms is not love. It is false love. Is harming children and ruining their future and preventing them from succeeding in life – love?! 

No father likes to confront a child, but it is precisely because of the father’s great love that he puts aside his feelings as a father and does the right thing for the good of the child. So the times of setting limits and of exercising authority and of rebuke are not times of ordinary love, but rather the pinnacle of love. 

The Laws of Love 

Throughout last year we wrote from various angles about Hashem being a good Father who does only good for His children, and we spoke about the various meanings of this love. 

And like every good father who has to be authoritative and set limits and know when to put a child in his place – Hashem yitbarach, due to His great love for us, gives us chukim and mishpatim (decrees and judgments); provides us with a set framework and limits, demands from us that we be good and honest as individuals and as a nation – and He also knows to rebuke us for our own good and out of His love for us. 

A judgment (mishpat) is not a threat aimed at our lives, but rather a huge gift for us. An opportunity and a loving call to elevate and improve us, to grow and to be truly successful in life. So, we find that the concept of din (decrees, sometimes harsh and hard to understand – the outcome of judgment) and mishpat is not cruelty, nor is it abuse, but rather a revelation of the pinnacle of love. It is out of great love that Hashem yitbarach gives us these boundaries and laws – and punishments as well. 

Without the din and the mishpat, the love is not love! 

Giving Us What Is Most Precious 

Chazal already gave us this message in the midrash, and it is extremely worthwhile to pay attention to these sweet and strengthening words of the midrash¹, which speak for themselves and really illuminate our perceptions: 

“Shoftim veshotrim (judges and policemen/officers who enforce the judgment). Rabbi Levi said: What is this like? Like a king who had many sons and loved the youngest more than all of the others. He had an orchard that he loved more than any of his other possessions. Said the king: ‘I am giving the orchard that I love more than anything else among my possessions to my youngest son whom I love more than all of my other sons’. 

 

So said the Holy One, Blessed Be He: ‘Of all the nations I created, I love only Yisrael, as it says: “When Yisrael was a child, I loved him”.² Of all that I have created, I love only the din, as it says: “For I Hashem love justice”.³ Said the Holy One, Blessed Be He: ‘I am giving what I love to the nation I love’. And that’s what ‘Shoftim veshotrim’ means. 

 

“Said the Holy One, Blessed Be He, to Yisrael: ‘My sons, by your life! In the merit of your upholding the din, I am elevated”. How do we know this? It says: ‘For Hashem Tzeva’ot rises up in judgment’.⁴  And by your raising me up in din, I too do justice and rest My holiness among you. How do we know this? For it says: ‘G-d most holy, made holy by justice’. 

 

“And if you maintain both of them – the justice and the din, immediately I will redeem you with a complete Redemption. How do we know this? For it says: ‘So says Hashem: Guard close the Law; do what is right. My salvation is close at hand, my righteousness will be revealed’.⁵ ” 

All this was the midrash. 

Whom Does Father Like More? 

Chazal’s message in this midrash is clear and is even better understood in light of what we said above: All the decrees and judgments and the demand for justice from the Jewish People – are the pinnacle of love. We are Hashem’s children, and Hashem, in His everlasting love, wishes to educate us and raise us to be good children, not spoiled children and rebels who have no future. 

When we react to Father’s demands and wish to be good children and indeed turn into good children and live according to the mishpatim, with justice and honesty – Hashem yitbarach Himself is raised up, is exalted and sanctified. Like any father who, when he has good and successful children who walk the straight path – he feels tremendous pleasure and satisfaction, and his honor and pride know no bounds.  

And a father always wants to do good to his children, and how much more so when he is proud of them and they give him much satisfaction – so the Father wishes to give His all – all the possible good without limit – and that is the complete Geula mentioned in the midrash. That is the best thing possible. 

This wonderful midrash immediately made me think of one of Rabbi Nachman’s famous teachings, which says: “For Hashem yitbarach loves mishpat (Yeshayahu 61, Tehillim 37), and He also loves Yisrael. But the love He loves Yisrael is greater than the love that he loves mishpat.”⁶ 

In light of this midrash, it is all much clearer: One can’t compare an orchard, beloved and important as it may be – to children, even the worst of them. And how much more so the most beloved one, that the love for him is so much greater than the love for the orchard. So too, the love for the Jewish People is much greater than the love of mishpat. 

Rabbi Nachman’s conclusion in this teaching is that the more you know and understand better that Hashem loves you like a good father – you understand better that all the mishpatim and dinim are really tremendous love that is hidden and wrapped in them. 

And therefore, we, as children of Hashem, must see this love, be good children and be happy with our Father and His love for us, giving us all those dinim and mishpatim with love. 

The Key to Success in Life 

Rabbi Nachman takes this all one step further: the fact that Hashem’s love is “hiding” in the mishpat is true of all the “bad” things in life, called dinim and mishpatim: the inhibitors and the darkness, problems, difficulties and troubles and suffering in life – they are all expressions of dinim – Hashem’s rebuke. And they too come especially because of the great love. 

Rabbi Nachman says that it is impossible to overcome these difficulties without understanding and believing that within the difficulties and the darkness hides Hashem yitbarach’s great love for us! 

And it is impossible to move forward in life and go up level by level and truly succeed without going through these difficulties. Only the knowledge that the loving Father is hiding, only that can give one the strength to withstand the trials, and so to advance in one’s life. 

So we see that it is impossible to move forward in any significant thing in life, and certainly not in spiritual matters and in closeness to Hashem, without the emuna (faith) and strong knowledge that Hashem is a good Father and that He loves us with an everlasting love and wants us to be truly successful and to rise, level by level, until we reach the highest spot. 

Editor’s Notes: 

¹ Midrash Rabbah Chapter 5, Section 7 on Devarim 16:18 

² Hoshea 11:1 

³ Yeshayahu (Isaiah) 61:8 

⁴ Yeshayahu 5:16

⁵ Yeshayahu 56:1

⁶ Zohar Emor 99