If You Believe – It’s Possible to Fix 

Translated from Rabbi Arush’s feature article in the weekly Chut shel Chessed newsletter. The articles focus on his main message: “Loving others as yourself” and emuna.  

The First Step 

There is no such thing as a couple that doesn’t experience difficulties and quarrels. Sometimes crises reach a boiling point, with divorce on the horizon. At this point the couple has two options: to try to invest in and work on and rehabilitate the marriage, or to give up and get divorced, chalila. 

Is there an indicator that can predict the couple’s success in going back to living in peace with each other? 

The answer is that there is such a thing, which, of course, raises the question of what it is. Or in other words: What is the first thing that one must check, and arouse and emphasize and build as necessary, before one begins any process of rehabilitation and reconciliation? 

Chazal tell us in Masechet Avot d’Rabbi Natan how Aharon Hacohen used to mediate and reconnect two people who had quarreled: 

“When two people were fighting with each other, Aharon would go and sit next to one of them and say: My son, look at the anguish your friend is going through! His heart is ripped apart and he is tearing at his clothes. He is saying, How can I face my old friend? I am so ashamed, I betrayed his trust. Aharon would sit with him until his rage subsided. Then Aharon would go to the other and say: My son, look at the anguish your friend is going through! His heart is ripped apart and he is tearing at his clothes. He is saying, How can I face my old friend? I am so ashamed, I betrayed his trust. Aharon would sit with him until his rage subsided. When the two people saw each other, they would embrace and kiss one another.”¹ 

Reading this story about Aharon Hacohen in depth, we see that as long as the parties don’t believe in the other’s goodwill and caring – no peace is possible. Each one thinks: “He hates me,” “He doesn’t care about what happened,” “He’s happy that I’m suffering,” and other such thoughts, which don’t allow any process of reconciliation and appeasement. 

And so, the first step in any reconciliation and in any process of marital peace is to cause both parties to believe that the other side is not bad; rather, he (or she) still loves and cares and wants things to be good for both of them. 

When one of the sides completely loses his faith that the other loves him – usually he will give up to start with and will not want to go through any process; and even if they attempt some process, chances are that it will fail. 

Shalom Bayit (Peace Within the Home) with Hashem 

These things are clear and simple, and easy to understand. But the novel idea one must be aware of is that it’s exactly the same as our relationship with the Creator! Exactly the same thing! 

All the sins and misdemeanors and willful transgressions are “quarrels”, “angry outbursts”. And every process of teshuva (repentance) is like making peace at home, as it were – peace between man and his Creator, and between the Jewish People and Hashem yitbarach. And so, Chazal say about the altar, which atones for sins, that it makes peace between Yisrael and their Heavenly Father. Indeed, Chazal tie it all together and say: “Go and learn from Moshe and Aharon, who were willing and made peace between Yisrael and their Heavenly Father, between man and his fellow, between husband and wife.”² 

If so, just as in order to connect two people one has to convince both parties that the other one loves him and is very pained by the rift and very much wants reconciliation – so too, in order to do teshuva we must listen to the tzaddikim who explain to us how much Hashem loves us and wants and is awaits our teshuva, like a father awaits his son. 

This gives us amazing and basic advice for anyone who wants to restore his connection with the Creator and truly do teshuva: 

To truly do teshuva, and to fix all that you have broken, and to really turn over a new leaf and develop a real and deep connection with the Creator for many days and years, a connection that is the peak of happiness and perfection of man – to achieve all this, the first step is to believe that Hashem loves you! Without that, there’s nothing to talk about! 

This is the main emuna (faith) that we all lack. And that is the deep reason behind the phenomenon of baalei teshuva dropping out of the teshuva process, and of people giving up completely on doing teshuva. Because all teshuva, correction, and connection with the Creator is built upon the faith and the feeling and the absolute knowledge that Hashem yitbarach loves you in whatever state you are in! 

The Worst of All 

It works the other way as well. Lack of faith that Hashem loves me and wants me and is pleased with me – is the most serious iniquity. According to what we have explained, it’s easy to understand why: For the mistaken feeling that Hashem doesn’t love me and doesn’t want my teshuva – that is the thing that is the greatest cause of disconnection from Hashem. It shuts the door on the entire process of teshuva, of healing, of rectification; because if Hashem doesn’t love me, the conclusion is total despair. 

And so, the despair itself is the result of not accepting the basic tenet that Hashem loves me and that I am important and precious and favored in His eyes, yitbarach. With such despair, one can’t move forward – the way is completely blocked.  

Now we can understand what Rabbi Natan says in his prayers: “And if I will say, chas veshalom, that my hope is gone and so is my expectation from Hashem, that is harder than the first.” And, using even harsher language, Rabbi Natan says to himself: “Don’t say die, chas veshalom, claiming that your sins are with you, and you are rotting in them, chas veshalom and you cannot repent from your follies and misguided deeds because your sins have gone beyond that, to the point where chas veshalom your eternal life and your hope in Hashem are gone. Oh, oh, have mercy and compassion on yourself and on the few days remaining for you in this world, that go past in the blink of an eye, and don’t say such things, chalila, because that is worse than what you said before, because such thoughts and ideas and confusions are hard and damaging, and they anger your Creator more than all the sins and iniquities and willful transgressions that you have committed from your beginning until this day.” 

The Root of “Bilam-ness” 

The wicked Bilam was a symbol of evil. He was a prophet, he comprehended things, had “knowledge from the Most High,” Hashem speaks to him; and yet he is a completely corrupt man, one of the most soiled people in the world when it comes to matters of holiness, a sinner who causes others to sin, full of lust for money, an evil eye and greed, whose desires know no satisfaction, and the cherry on the top: He is a true hater of the Jewish People; all he wants is to annihilate and destroy them.  

What is the root of all this evil? 

Holy Rashi expresses the deep root of all this evil in just a few words. When Balak’s emissaries come to Bilam, Hashem yitbarach reveals Himself to Bilam and asks him: “Who are these people with you?” Bilam’s reply is: “Balak, son of Tzippor, sent [them] to me.”³ And Rashi explains: “Even though I am not important in Your eyes, I am important in the eyes of the kings.” 

In other words, the deep root of all Bilam’s evil is his distorted perception that he is not important in Hashem eyes! If I am not important to Hashem, I have no chance, and I have no reason to exert myself to try to come closer to Him or to mend my deeds. 

To think that Hashem doesn’t consider you important – that is the most serious disconnection from Hashem. It is not humility – it’s kefira (heresy)! 

And if this sounds too extreme to you, I will surprise you and say that those are not my own words – rather, they are the words of the Jews’ “defense attorney”, Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev, author of the Kedushat Levi: “If [a person] causes himself to despair and says that the Holy One, Blessed Be He, gets no pleasure from the lowly world – that is not called a humble person; in fact, he is leaning in the direction of kefira.”⁴ 

Therefore, each and every one of you, dear readers, this your first step: Believe wholeheartedly and have clear and strong knowledge that Hashem yitbarach loves you regardless. Even if you have committed all the transgressions in the world – Hashem says to you: “I always love you, and am waiting for you, and am looking forward to having a relationship with you; I ask of you only one thing: Remember that I always love you and wish to do only good and even more good. As long as you believe in that, you will always be connected to Me, and attached to Me.” 

Editor’s Notes:

¹ Avot d’Rabbi Natan 12:3 

² Yalkut Shimoni on Torah 612 

³ Bamidbar (Numbers) 22:10 

⁴ Kedushat Levi, Kedushot for Purim, Kedushah 3