Just Walk Away

It’s amazing how complicated human relationships can be. At least, we think they’re complicated.

 

In reality, they’re pretty straightforward. The problem is that we lose our ability to be objective because we’re the ones in the “complicated” situation.

 

There are so many times when we’re not sure if we should stay in a friendship or family relationship with someone. On one hand, they can be so hurtful. On the other hand, they say they love us, they’re family; a spouse, or anyone that claims to love us and want the best for us.

 

Many times it really is so confusing. We’re not sure who this person really is or what they’re thinking when they do the hurtful things they do.

 

To be honest, because we’re outsiders and are not in their heads and haven’t gone through their life experiences, we will never really know. Usually it’s a reaction to some flaw in their upbringing, but who doesn’t have that?

 

And then we have to factor in our own flaws in our upbringing that could be influencing or tainting our reaction. Are we blowing things out of proportion? Do we have any extra sensitivity to something that most people might consider meaningless or not hurtful?

 

What we bring into a relationship is, in reality, very complicated. Our perspective and perceptions are products of our past, so there really is no ability to be objective.

 

This can all sound very depressing, as if we have no chance to see a person as they are. Do we really have to face the rest of our lives in this unhealthy dynamic because we’ve brought so much baggage?

 

Well, that depends.

 

Some instances are really black and white, if you’re on the outside.

 

For example, how many people do you know that are in unhealthy romantic relationships? Maybe they’re not physically abusive, but maybe they’re verbally abusive or controlling, or selfish and demanding. Maybe they’re cheating.

 

Think of a friend that has been or is in such a relationship. Doesn’t it look so clear to you that they shouldn’t be in this relationship? Isn’t it obvious to you that the relationship is hurting your friend?

 

Likely. But that’s because you’re an outsider.

 

For the person in that relationship, their confused emotions make everything look so blurry, even to the point where they may not be able to differentiate love from hate.

 

Unfortunately, people put too much meaning on words and not enough meaning on actions. Women in particular are more vulnerable to a man’s smooth talk than vice versa.

 

It’s amazing how many women are so confused when their man disrespects them, treats them like garbage, even cheats on them, but he tells them he loves them. Well, now! That little, “I love you baby” has the power to wipe away all the bad actions he’s done?!

 

Isn’t that mind-blowing??

 

I think there’s also another factor that confuses people in hurtful relationships.

 

It’s the realization that they will enter a reality full of unknowns, and that’s very scary. People seem to prefer their uncomfortable situations, largely because they’re familiar. Especially if a spouse faces the reality of being a single parent and having to do everything on their own, it’s scary to leave a situation, no matter how painful it is.

 

I understand these people.

 

I have had a very unhealthy dynamic with a certain family member for years. It was a constant cycle of insult/retaliation/cold war/suddenly making up after months of not speaking. For years, I’m telling you.

 

Every time we’d stop talking, I’d promise myself that this was it. I was done, and it was the last time I’d allow myself to be treated this way.

 

But eventually, we’d end up back in each other’s company and speaking again.

 

Until it would happen again. And again. And again.

 

It took seven years of living away from this person for me to realize how unnecessary that relationship was for me. What made it complicated was that it was a family member.

 

Isn’t family supposed to be on your side no matter what? Don’t they have to love you and respect your life choices no matter what? Because who else will always be there for you, if not your family?

 

And all that good stuff.

 

If you have family like this, you are blessed. It’s a wonderful thing, and I believe that’s the way it should be.

 

But, like I said. People come into relationships with a whole load of baggage. And when they don’t want to deal with it or even recognize it, unfortunately it can destroy their relationships.

 

After a short honeymoon period, this person started up again with their usual criticism and negativity. I tried to ignore it. I tried to defend myself. I tried to point out what they were doing. I tried everything nice.

 

And then I retaliated.

 

I told them everything I had been holding in for many years, and it wasn’t pretty. Finally, I said I was done with this relationship, and I meant it.

 

I don’t know what will be in the future, and I hope I can keep my promise, but only time will tell.

 

The point is that these last seven years of living away from this person have done so much good for me. They’ve made me realize that I’m not at all dependent on this person for anything, not emotionally or materially.

 

The years I spent in Israel were years of tremendous growth in so many ways. One of the biggest ways I have grown was to become more independent. So when I came back to Miami and suddenly found myself in the same destructive pattern, I was shocked.

 

I am a 40-year-old mother of five children. Do I need to tolerate anyone insulting and criticizing how I do things?

 

Nope.

 

All of a sudden, I was blessed with a little bit of objectivity.

 

I saw clearly that this relationship would never change. Our dynamic would never change.

 

And that’s because that family member didn’t want to recognize that they need help. They didn’t and still don’t want to recognize that they have stuff they need to change about themselves.

 

Which brings me back to the general rule in unhealthy relationships.

 

So many people write me, asking me if they should leave their partner because they cheated, they’re abusive, and everything else I wrote before.

 

For me, the answer is obvious.

 

If two people are in a relationship, and both are actively working on improving themselves and recognizing that they need to change (because no one’s perfect), then the relationship deserves a chance.

 

Of course, that’s assuming it’s not an abusive relationship. Abuse in any of its forms should never be tolerated, no matter how much a person says they love you.

 

But, if it’s clear that you’re the only one who’s trying to improve the relationship while your partner is not willing to recognize their flaws and work to change them, the question of whether to leave or not isn’t so complicated.

 

One person working on himself is not enough of a foundation for a healthy relationship. Both people, whether they’re friends, spouses, or business partners, need to constantly and actively work on improving themselves.

 

Relationships aren’t easy. But they don’t have to be so complicated.

 

We all want to be happy. Hashem wants us to be happy.

 

But sometimes, we’re the ones that are standing in the way of our own happiness.

 

And as painful and difficult as it is, sometimes the path to our happiness begins when we just walk away.