Forgiveness and Humility

One area of self-improvement I’ve been trying to work on lately is forgiveness. How do I act and react when people harm me in some way, spiritually, emotionally, physically, monetarily, etc.? Emuna says that everything that happens to me, even the seemingly negative, is Hashem’s will. If someone rips me off for $1000 – that was Hashem’s will. If my friend insults my pride, it was Hashem’s will my ego get taken down a notch. If someone is talking during shul and disturbing my concentration, it is Hashem’s will that my intent should be off during prayer. All outcomes belong to Him.

As I’ve worked to incorporate this emuna-oriented approach in my life, it has helped me make peace with the outcomes that I see as negative. I have learned slowly to accept Hashem’s outcomes for the best and necessary for my spiritual growth. My problem has been with accepting the perpetrator of the supposed crime, or as Rabbi  Shalom Arush says, “the stick in Hashem’s hands.” I’m very aware of the fact that they will have to answer for that which they did wrong and I find it very hard to forgive.

In my head I’m thinking, “Where’s THEIR emuna? Doesn’t he know Hashem’s going to return the $1000 he stole from me anyway? My friend is such a jerk for insulting me! Don’t those guys in shul know they’re being inconsiderate? Hashem is gonna make their lives so inconsiderate! I have a hard time loving and accepting that these people are behaving according to Hashem’s will. What am I missing? Why couldn’t I forgive them for what they did to me, especially since I knew Hashem was behind the outcome anyways?

This question was very similar to one I had always had about The Garden of Emuna. In the book, it says that when a soul is about to be reincarnated, an angel brings it from Heavenly room to room and different random souls call out all the different debts of pain this about-to-be-reincarnated soul owed them. “He stole money from me!” “He broke my leg” “He insulted me in public!” I had the exact same question here. Rabbi Brody has said that when a soul leaves the body, it immediately realizes the Truth, that Hashem runs the world. Furthermore, these souls are up in Heaven, the World of Truth. How are they still griping about other people hurting them? Don’t they know it was Hashem’s will they would be hurt in one way or another?

Furthermore, the book says that all these souls would have to be reincarnated so that the debt of pain could be repaid or collected from the soul that harmed them. Coming down to this world is no treat for souls. Why would they want to come down again just to have that debt repaid to them? Wouldn’t they prefer to forgive and stay up in Heaven with Hashem? Isn’t it almost a punishment that they have to come back down in order to receive back what was taken from them?

The answer Hashem put in my head that I would like to suggest is I am arrogant and lack humility. Humility? Didn’t I say I believe Hashem runs the world? That the outcomes are His? I now realize that there are two kinds of humility. There is humility in my relationship to Hashem, recognizing His running of the world. But there is also humility in my relationship with everyone else in Creation. In our sage’s description of Moses’ humility, they say that he didn’t think he was better than anyone else. In fact, he thought that had they been in his shoes, they’d have done a better job than him! This kind of humility is the key to forgiveness.

The reason I have trouble forgiving those who have harmed me is because I’m holding them to too high of expectations. I believe that if I were in their shoes, I wouldn’t have made their mistake. I’m forgetting that they too have an Evil Inclination who can overpower them at any moment if Hashem allows it. This is what I believe happens with the souls who have to be reincarnated. They left the world with the stain of arrogance towards others. They hadn’t internalized that they were no better than anyone else. So Hashem says to them, “You can’t forgive them? You think you could’ve done better? OK, now I have to send you both back down and switch places. This time, you’re going to steal money from him! And this time, you are going to break his leg!” They are forced to go down and harm the person, measure-for-measure, so that they can learn they were no better than the other person in the first go-around.

So now that I’m aware I lack this kind of humility, what can I do? What’s my hishtadlut, my effort? How can I learn to forgive? First of all, I am praying to Hashem and asking for humility. I’m asking Him to help me let go of my pride and remember that I’m not perfect. I am asking Him to help me internalize all of what I just wrote above. Secondly, I pray for the other person for everything I want for myself. This can help remind me that they too are human, not angels, and have frailties and Evil Inclinations like I do. I find that these actions help lead me to love and accept those who have harmed me.