Give Her 95 Unleaded!

My colleague and head of Breslev Israel's German-language department Rabbi David Kraus was on the phone with an irate husband. Rabbi David, an expert marriage counselor among his other talents, was having difficulty getting a word in edgewise. The husband was yelling so loud that I could hear his voice coming through Rabbi David's telephone receiver.

"My wife's crazy like a loon! She never stops yelling! You can't communicate with her. There's no hope for this marriage, Rabbi! She needs to be put in an institution and I need a divorce!"

Patiently, Rabbi David asked the husband about his wife's background. It turned out that she was a baalat teshuva, a young woman who discovered observant Judaism on her own. That, I thought to myself, is already a sign of intelligence. If that's not enough, she served in the IDF as a medic and had a university degree in physical education. Wow, I thought to myself as I overheard Rabbi David verifying these facts, that young woman is special. The fact that she was a medic means she's compassionate. And, if she studied physical education, she certainly has a good rapport with children and a strong awareness of health and fitness. She most likely prepares healthy meals, is great with kids, compassionate and intelligent. She's probably in good shape and attractive as well. What a profile was coming together. Rabbi David caught my eye and started repeating everything for my benefit…

The husband began a new tirade about how his wife is insane, irrational, impulsive, and – get this – insensitive to his needs. It turns out that the husband came from a religious home and a totally different background than his wife. He also lacked her credentials; he was giving the impression of a spoiled, ego-centric and stubborn husband whose favorite two words were "I" and "me".

In his sweet-as-sugar manner, Rabbi David tried to convince the husband to come together with his wife for counseling. This brought on a whole new verbal tsunami from the husband, again how the wife is hopelessly deranged and that divorce is the only option.

I motioned to Rabbi David that I wanted to tell him something. With the husband still yelling in his ear, he covered the receiver of the telephone with the palm of his hand and leaned his ear in my direction. I whispered, "Tell the husband to stop giving her diesel fuel and to start giving her 95 unleaded."

We Breslev Israel rabbis are all devoted students of our esteemed and beloved teacher Rabbi Shalom Arush shlit'a. We all live by and teach his holy teachings. Our brains therefore function on similar wavelengths and we can communicate lengthy messages in one short phrase. Rabbi David therefore grasped the full implication of what I was talking about. I added one more thought: "Duvid'l (as I affectionately call Rabbi David, who is like a son to me), tell the husband that even if he gets rid of the car he has and I buy him a brand new Audi Fox 4A convertible, within ninety days, he'll wreck that too."

Unable to hold back his giggle, Rabbi David returned to the husband. "My friend, I have a piece of advice for you from the oldest rabbi on our staff; he says, 'stop giving her diesel fuel and start giving her 95 unleaded'."

"What are you talking about?" asked the husband.

"If you'd read The Garden of Peace, you'd learn that criticizing a wife and making all types of nasty comments all the time is like pouring diesel fuel in a gasoline engine that requires 95 unleaded. No matter how good the car is, you'll wreck its engine very quickly. If you take away the "diesel" – the criticism and the nastiness, and if you give her the "95 unleaded" – compliments, attention, a listening ear, little gifts like her favorite chocolate to show her that you're thinking about her – just wait and see how smooth and enjoyable your marriage will be – like riding in a new Lamborghini in the fast lane of the autobahn between Frankfurt and Hamburg."

Rabbi David continued and explained, "You understand that your car won't operate properly if you put diesel fuel in its gasoline engine. That's just what you've been doing to your wife. If she's acting crazy, maybe you should try changing the emotional fuel you're giving her. That's what Rabbi Lazer meant that even if you get a brand new Audi, you'll soon wreck it. You're entertaining thoughts of divorcing your wife, 'getting rid of the car you have'. Even if you get the best woman on earth – a new Audi, so to speak – and you don't learn how to treat a wife, you'll wreck her too."

That's it, I said to myself. The Garden of Peace is to a husband what the owner's manual is to a new car. Follow its advice, and your marriage won't suffer from clogged carburetors and other ills. Your wife's engine will run like a charm.

What's the connection of the above story with the holiday of Shavuot?

The human soul, especially the Jewish soul, is a very intricate spiritual engine. Without the proper spiritual fuel, lubrication and maintenance, it becomes an emotional wreck plagued with all types of negative emotions. But, our loving Father in Heaven gave us an owner's manual for the soul. It's called the Torah. When we follow its advice and observe its laws, we become a nation of spiritual Rolls Royces, successful and happy. We celebrate this lovely owner's manual every time we sit down to learn Torah or a Torah-baesd book, like The Garden of Peace.

Meanwhile, don't forget that even though "diesel fuel" might be good for a Mack truck, it's not good for your wife. Give her the "unleaded 95" and wait and see what a happy marriage you'll have!