The Mating Game

Dear Racheli,

I am a single Jewish woman in my late 20’s. I’ve been dating for almost 10 years with the hopes of getting married to a nice Jewish man. However, most of the guys I’ve dated turned out to be total creeps. Two of them even cheated on me! I feel like men today are just motivated by their physical desires. How in the world will I find a guy who’s above all that?

Daniella

Daniella,

As that ancient song goes, you’re “lookin’ for love in all the wrong places.” Let’s put it this way- you’re like a person who keeps going to a pigpen in the hopes of finding a diamond hidden somewhere in the mud. Not gonna happen!

Here’s a secret about men that’s not so secret: all men are driven by their physical desires! Whether it’s the desire for intimacy, the desire for money, or the desire for respect, these desires are what drives them forward (or backward) in life. The same goes for women.

Intrinsically, this is a good thing. Hashem created us with the desire to acquire. If we didn’t have that, we’d be like my husband, who’s dreaming of buying “the clapper” for our room, so he wouldn’t have to get up to turn off the light before falling asleep. Seriously, why should I do it? I’m too tired to get out of bed!

So how do our desires get re-routed? Well, there is a secret evil twin living inside each of us, and he’s called the Evil Inclination. He works day and night trying to convince us to take our G-dly gifts and use them for selfish pursuits. Hence, the desire to acquire goodness mutates into the desire to acquire women, money, and fame.

There’s something else about men that you obviously know already: in reality, there is little difference between a man and an animal. With respect to the desire for intimacy in particular, I would venture to say that there is no difference between man and beast! A man, just like an animal, is always looking for the chance to “procreate.” It consumes his mind day and night, just like an animal. Both man and animal play the mating game, except only the animal mates for his survival.

The only difference is that man has the potential to rise above his base desires, and animals do not. The only way to do so is to follow the Torah’s life directives. Only through Torah knowledge are we able to understand how we are really supposed to live and what is expected of us. You might think that it’s enough to follow modern society’s sliding scale of human decency and acceptable behavior. Unfortunately, this scale keeps sliding to the left, and what was completely indecent and unacceptable only 20 years ago has become not only acceptable, but even promoted. Therefore, this approach simply will not work.

Had humans not been imposed with a divine set of morals, we would all behave like animals. In fact, this has happened throughout history when societies have imploded, when people steal other people’s parking spots, or when Walmart has a computer glitch with their EBT cards, and they decide to give all EBT cardholders unlimited stuff for free. I’m not kidding.

Combine the self-centered desires with a lack of morality and you get approximately 99.3% of the male population.

Daniella, the question you are asking is, “Where can I get a man from the 0.7%?” Well, here’s the thing. You are actually looking for a man who already lives by the set of morals that were imposed on him, i.e., a Torah-observant man. This type of man most likely still has many of those animalistic desires, if not all of them. However, he is using his G-d-given tools to overcome them.

Men such as this are in a daily, lifelong battle to overcome their secret evil twin using the forces of G-dness. Although they still battle daily with their dark sides, many of them are not on the constant prowl for fresh meat like a wolf looking for his nightly meal. Many of these men actually want to act like decent human beings. Therefore, they do their best to treat women with respect and consideration, as well as doing other things that set them apart from the animal kingdom. Maybe we can call this hybrid species, “Manimals.”

But here’s the kicker, Daniella. If you want to attract a man on a more human playing field, then you have to make sure that you’re ready to play at the advanced level. This means that you must work on refining your character traits as well. One of the ways to do this is to increase your Torah knowledge and level of observance. If you want a man with G-dly, humanistic qualities, then you have to be a woman with G-dly qualities.

Here’s what you can do: read a little bit of Kitzur Shulchan Aruch every day. You’ll start learning basic Jewish Law this way. Sign up for a Torah class at your local shul. Make friends with the Rabbi and his wife. Let them know that you’re looking to grow in your observance, and that you’re looking for a husband. Jews just love playing matchmaker!

Know that increasing your observance is only half the picture. As I mentioned, you have to work on yourself as well. Here’s how: make a list, in order of priority, of which character traits you want to improve on. Now, there’s only one way that you will make any significant changes in yourself- personal prayer! If you’re familiar with Rav Arush’s books, you know that there is absolutely no way to change anything about yourself or about your life circumstances without asking G-d for help. This is the key!

An hour a day is ideal, and you can break it up as follows: first 20 minutes- thank G-d for everything in your life, even the “bad.” Second 30 minutes- ask G-d to help you correct a character flaw that you want to work on. Third 10 minutes- ask Him to bring you your soulmate, a man who is already trying to improve himself as well. Read In Forest Fields to learn how to do proper personal prayer.

Daniella, I’m very happy for you. You are in a great place in your life, whether you realize it or not. Hashem is giving you the chance to do two things at once: you now have the opportunity to work on yourself so you can attract the best man for you, and you are beginning to fix your less attractive qualities before you meet him. Trust me, this is way easier to do before you’re married!

May Hashem bless you with a manimal who will be your complement in every area of your life, both physically and spiritually, Amen!