Shy Guy

Dear Racheli,

I’m a mid-20’s frum guy who’s looking to get married. I’ve been on plenty of shidduch-type dates, yet nothing has come of them. I realize that I’m on the quieter side, but honestly, I’m not sure what girls are looking for. Can you give me a few suggestions?

Michael

Michael,

The problem with girls is that they’re so complex, even they don’t know what they’re looking for! But that’s a whole discussion in itself. Let’s focus on you.

Thanks to Hollywood and MTV, the whole business of dating has completely distorted our perception of what we think we want in a person, and how to go about getting it. For example, both girls and guys immediately focus on looks. Is their potential mate appealing to the eye? If not, most won’t even bother moving forward.

Here’s where you need to ask yourself- are you first and foremost looking for a girl who could double for a supermodel? And please be honest! If you find that your potential shidduch is already outlawed because she’s not 5’8” and a size 0, it’s obvious you need to expand your horizons a bit. You know, it’s a strange phenomenon with guys – most guys who think they are deserving of Angelina Jolie are certainly not Brad Pitt- not in looks or wealth!

Second – I’ve always said that the media has created this fantasy image that most call “Love”, but it’s not love at all. It’s self-gratification, and it traps us in many ways. The first trap is called “The Spark”. Are you looking for a spark the instant you meet your date? Most people are, and they use this spark as a gauge of compatibility. It’s completely ludicrous, as I’ve written in a previous article, “The Look of Love”. So if you and your date aren’t bursting in flames, do you write her off?

Michael, neither good looks nor instant attractions last, nor do they hold a marriage together. Therefore, never use these two parameters as guides to find your potential wife.

But before you go looking for a wife, you must first look for a great husband.

I know, that came out really weird. But here’s what I mean: before expecting to find the girl of your dreams, you must become the guy of her dreams. Do you really know yourself? Do you know what’s expected of you as a man, husband, and father? Much of the time, problems arise in marriages simply because two people enter into a life commitment without having any clue as to what’s expected of them. Consequently, there is no happily-ever-after for many couples.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself, and subsequently work on improving. Are you a patient person? Do you anger easily when things don’t go your way? Are you a hard worker? Are you a good listener? And just as importantly, you must look at your spiritual standing as well. You say you’re frum: do you daven 3 times a day? Do you set aside time for Torah learning?

Furthermore, do you guard your eyes? Are you shomer habrit[1]? Do you talk to Hashem?

If you do the basic religious observances, yet you fail in these three areas, then you have some serious work to do. Why are these last three questions so important? Well, they all have to do with contributing to your marital happiness. No woman likes her man to look at another woman; it makes us feel terrible and ugly. Since you’re frum, I will assume you know the spiritual consequences of not being shomer habrit.

Talking to Hashem is absolutely vital, not only to attracting your soulmate, but to getting every blessing you want in your life. For example, you say you’re shy. Why not ask Hashem to help you come out of your shell a bit? Ask Him for the strength and courage you need to open up, so your date can get to know you. Including Hashem in your daily struggles will not only be a wonderful outlet for you when life gets stressful, but you will eventually give that gift to your children. How lucky are such children that are taught from a young age that Hashem is here with us and loves us so much!

Michael, you need to put yourself out there more. Since dating in the frum world usually does not consist of flowers and jewelry until after the engagement, what’s left for you to give her? Your wonderful personality!

Be more open and honest. Let her know that you are prepared to be a committed, Torah-observant, loyal and loving husband and father. And very important- ask her lots of questions about herself! Let her know that you’re interested in getting to know her, and that you care about who she is.

I would highly recommend you read Rav Arush’s “The Garden of Peace” before continuing to pursue your future wife. He will give you the real scoop on what being a man is really about, and if you use his guide throughout your marriage, I have no doubt you can and will have a home that is Gan Eden on earth!

Racheli