A Stuck Soul

 It's been a while since I visited my keyboard, other than to engage in the occasional Amazon purchase. Read some news. Bounce of some e-mails. And in the bluish glare that comforts at the end of a long day, I sometimes steal a cursory glance at the keyboard which used to be my intimate friend. My fingers itch with the need to write, to tip my head and pour out some of the words within, to translate thought into word. My belief in myself is what stops me, and the phrase, “Why bother?” is my constant companion. Who wants to read my words? And most importantly, who cares?
 
I sigh the sigh of the frustrated, semi-ignoring the blockage that has now built up into a full blown case for Writer-Rooter—a simple household sink pump wouldn't be able to do it. Months and months of spinning the same self defeatist thoughts have brought me to where I am now—to this moment. The words which used to be my triggers for inspiration, I swat about like pesky flies on a hot and airless summer day. Leave me alone! Who needs ya! The inspiration is missing, the desire a small smoldering flame of  barely discernible plumes of smoke piercing the atmosphere in half whispers. Who needs me and my words anyway? There's so many other amazing writers out there! I feel their voices silencing my own, as I sit with my back against the proverbial writer's wall.
 
And then the thought occurs, trying to push its way past all the heavy, and dark and depressing thoughts filling my cranium—you need your words! You need to get them out! Even if no one cares, or listens—you need to! Anyone who has been given the gift of words knows that when the heavy silence which descends—otherwise known as writer's block—creeps in, it is a feeling so unnatural, that one can only equate it with not being able to physically speak. For in writing, there is a release and a relief which comes with the ability to make space in ones head for the next thoughts that come. When a writer holds in all these thoughts clamoring to emerge, it causes something akin to becoming mute. And that frustration spills over into everything else.
 
Writers are not the only ones prone to these blockages. Blockages occur to the best of us. I was in a class recently where the speaker said that depression means that the soul is stuck—basically going nowhere. A stuck soul has a hard time being grateful, deriving pleasure from just being. A stuck soul gets mired in the mud of self defeat and negative thoughts, being lulled into a spiritual coma with the constant refrain of “I am not good enough—who needs me?” It is so easy to get there, even while we don't realize it. We are our own worst enemies at times. And while it would be much easier to blame the broken washing machine, the flu, or even a  child who is not where we want them to be—or any other difficult situation—it is easy to point the finger of blame and say “Aha!” and then keep on sleeping. It's amazing how creative the human mind is when it comes to concocting all kinds of excuses for us to stop 'living' and to continue just 'being'. A passive observer on the train of life, instead of the conductor plowing full speed ahead to all of our destinations.
 
Yes, life can be a real downer sometimes—but only if we let it. The only things between us and success, is—us. Ourselves. There are plenty of people out there who have persevered under the most trying of circumstances, and have overcome the most gargantuan obstacles. And despite the most incredible odds, emerged victorious—not necessarily with others, but with themselves. Any time we overcome the urge to 'just be' and be complacent, letting life slip through our fingers like the oft cliched grains of sand…then we are robbing ourselves—and those around us—of benefiting from the light we have been entrusted to spread in the world. Your light can't give off the same sparks that mine can, and vice versa. That is why it says in Jewish tradition that if Hashem has blessed someone with a talent, and they withhold it from the world, it is a great sin. He has given you a mission—and you have spurned it!
 
Of course, it's not just writers who are given this mandate—this applies to everyone! If your talent lies in listening, then lighten another's load. If it's healing, or sewing or smiling—Hashem has blessed all of us with the tools we need to make this world a little better, a little 'sparklier' as my daughter would say. All of us have talents, inner strengths which others don't which we can use to heal the world—and the only ones who are stopping us—are ourselves. We need To kill the thoughts which mock us  into corners which we can't come out of, places we have made too comfortable to climb out of.
 
So yes, I decided to overcome my inner voice of 'unreason' and sat and typed. I swatted those pesky negative thoughts like flies on a stagnant summer day—and I decided to let the sun shine in and vanquish the darkness just a little bit more.