The Beauty Paradox

In our westernized society, the pursuit of beauty ranks at the top of people’s life agendas, right along with the pursuit of wealth and sanity. Everywhere we turn, we are bombarded with beautiful women walking on the street, staring at us from magazines, tempting us from television, and even haunting us in our thoughts. Looking at this scenario objectively, one could say we are under attack: “Operation Gorgeous Woman”. It’s mission- destroy women’s self-esteem while simultaneously destroying their relationships as well. Am I being extreme in my opinion? Maybe slightly, but allow me to explain…

Speaking for myself, as a young woman who has grown up in modern secular culture, aside from trying to “make something of myself” by having a respectable career (doctor), my other number one goal was to attract a husband. As a side note, I do not feel women have anything to prove, nor should they feel substandard because they don’t have a fancy title after their names. A woman’s role in life encompasses so much more than a diploma on a wall. Back to my point- how did I try to attract a husband? The only way I knew how- by trying to look my best. Unfortunately, these days the line between looking elegant and looking like a Vegas showgirl is very blurred. In fact, I don’t even think that there is a line. In today’s world, if you want to be considered beautiful, you must dress sexy. No top is too tight, no skirt is too short. Cleavage? The more, the better!

So I followed these guidelines religiously (ha,ha), and attracted my fair share of attention. However, what happened after a few months? The relationship got old, and it was time to move on to someone “better”. Think about your past or current relationships, ladies. When did it become stale? Why did it become stale? That’s the real question. Why do we think that jumping from one relationship to another will automatically end up in a lifetime of love and romance, when each previous relationship falls into the same pattern of boredom and nothing in common? What underlying force is sabotaging all of our attempts at a soulmate relationship?

After a gradual metamorphosis into a modestly dressed woman, as well as developing an understanding of the spiritual dynamics of man and woman, I have come to an interesting conclusion. We live in a world in which exists a “Beauty Paradox”. Now I’m no Einstein, but I can explain this phenomenon. Let’s review Kabbalah 101- within each person exists a soul, whose needs are exactly the opposite of the body’s physical desires. When we follow the body’s directives, we end up attracting a man who wants us for our bodies! It’s a standard universal law- what you put out will come back to you, like a boomerang. So, if you put out the message that you want a man who will fall for your looks, then that is exactly what you will get. Now you’re in a relationship where G-d forbid your boyfriend should see you without mascara on! Once he does, he might be running out the door! It’s interesting- at what point do we let a boyfriend see us as we really are? When we have become comfortable and settled in the relationship. Usually this leads to “same ol’, same ol’”, and soon or not so soon after, the relationship dies.

But wait a minute- the guy didn’t change, you didn’t change, so what changed? Nothing! The problem is that you’ve attracted a man who is more interested in having a beautiful and exciting woman than a modest woman who wants a spiritually-oriented life. Once you don’t generate that excitement in his heart, he’s no longer yours- he’s on the prowl for fresh meat. And if you happen to run into this old boyfriend at some point in the future, lo and behold, the new girlfriend looks just like you! Same long hair, same body type, same way of dressing. So why would he need more of the same? Why is a newer version considered better in his eyes? What, do you have an expiration date, where your beauty suddenly has no effect on him?

So wherein does the Beauty Paradox lie? Look around- do you know a couple who is low-key, with the woman not flashing every square inch of her body? How do they relate to each other? Personally speaking, I have seen and continue to see this phenomenon again and again. The woman is not showcasing her beauty, but her man loves and respects her. So is this the answer? Do men really want unattractive women? G-d forbid! A man is controlled by his physical desires- so why would having a modestly dressed wife keep him from straying? (Of course, I am aware that there are exceptions to this rule, but I am speaking in a more general sense. There will always be men who are creeps.)

The secret lies in several factors:

1. What the eye sees, the heart desires- a famous statement. If a man is walking down the street and everywhere he turns there are alluring women, and he allows his eyes to devour them, his heart will desire them. When he returns home, he’s no longer completely yours. Another woman has stolen part of his heart, whether he realizes it or not. Likewise, if you walk around stealing other men’s hearts, you have equally contributed to the demise of your relationship.

2.  A man also has a soul- meaning, he would prefer to be attracted to holiness, not physicality. The problem is that most men don’t realize this. As most of us were not brought up with thoughts of holiness, we cannot connect to these needs on a conscious level. While absorbed in materialism, the needs of the soul cannot express themselves. Therefore, a man is usually controlled by his body consciousness. Hence, he’s attracted to physically attractive women, and will not search for a deeper type of attraction.

3. Real beauty can be found within holiness- dressing and acting modestly is the key to creating an aura of holiness and purity around you, dear ladies. I recently read a great point about the Rabbis of today and times past- they loved their wives not necessarily because they were easy to get along with, or because they were beautiful. They loved their wives because they were holy.

What does being holy mean? There are many implications, but primarily it means that a holy woman does not walk down the street flaunting her body for everyone to see. And by the way, what right does another man have to see your body? Did a stranger on the street do anything to merit admiring your curves? This is real feminism, ladies. If you want a man to respect you, you must respect yourselves. Don’t be a walking billboard who is desperate to find a man who will love her. You are much higher than that. Respect yourselves for the G-dly creations that you are. Each woman has a special package of talent, wisdom, and physical beauty- but that package is only to be opened by someone who will truly respect and cherish her. What would happen to a present whose wrapping paper kept being opened and repaired again and again? Would this present appeal to anyone after awhile? I don’t think so!

So what are we supposed to do with this information? Should we stop trying to look beautiful, whether we’re already married or still looking? Absolutely not! The real solution is in rediscovering what beauty means. We must reprogram our ideals of beauty to encompass far more than good looks. It sounds daunting, but it’s really not hard. The only hard part is to let got of what we have been programmed to believe- that physical beauty is the best way to attract a man. Rabbi Brody has a wonderful CD entitled, “Your Beauty”. In this CD, he explains what a really beautiful woman is and how she can use her beauty to create a fulfilling soulmate relationship. I highly recommend that all women listen to this CD if they want deep and meaningful relationships.