Birth Control Blues
Rav Shalom Arush says, “If a person turns off the faucet, he can’t be sure that when he decides to turn it on again water will flow forth…”
Dear Rabbi Lazer,
I’m in a terrible predicament and need urgent help. My husband is a lawyer (modern Orthodox, I’m from more of a Chassidic background) with a struggling young practice, although he’s gradually getting stronger both professionally and financially. We have a gorgeous three-month-old daughter. Although we are orthodox, my husband is not willing to accept another pregnancy until his practice “stands on firm foundations”, as he says. I’ve tried to avoid an argument, and requested that he ask a recognized rabbinical authority. He won’t let any rabbi dictate how he’ll run his life. Rabbi Lazer, in my worst nightmares I never dreamed I’d be asked to use birth control. What should I do? Please answer right away. Thank you for being there when people need you. Signed, WW, New Jersey
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Dear WW,
If it wouldn’t blow your cover, I’d be on the phone to your husband this minute. If he refuses to listen to rabbis, we can’t force him. On the other hand, Hashem knows how to convince a person…
Meanwhile, stop worrying, because you’re not alone. Hashem knows the anguish in your heart, and won’t neglect you – my promise.
The Almighty personally dishes out three types of abundance, which not even the highest archangel is allowed or qualified to do – they are children, livelihood, and length of days. When you say no to children, you’re refusing a gift from G-d. In the vernacular, that’s a slap in The Almighty’s face, Heaven forbid. What’s known as “family planning” – the socially nice way of saying birth control – is a gross statement of arrogance where the family planners are in effect saying, “We can plan better than The Almighty can.” What could be more inane?
My first suggestion is that you give your husband a copy of The Garden of Emuna to read. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, although he is Orthodox, no one ever taught him the principles of emuna. He probably thinks that the success of his law practice depends on his own acumen and aptitude. People that think they control their own lives are light years away from the most basic spiritual awareness. The Almighty runs the world according to the ATFAT principle (a turn for a turn) – if your husband forcibly locks your womb, The Almighty could very well lock the door of his practice or his income. This is no scare, just simple fact. The Melitzer Rebbe shlit’a told me that both children and income are forms of Divine abundance – when you block the flow of child abundance, you may very well impair the flow of financial abundance.
Sometimes birth control is necessary for health and emotional reasons (maternal incapability, health hazards, etc.). Nevertheless, some types of birth control are forbidden. In any event, for the good of your spiritual lives, you must consult with your local rabbinical authority. Without a legitimate mental or physical health reason, birth control is a shortsighted call at home plate. There are thousands of folks in old age homes with no one to visit them, who regret that they used birth control over the years.
Rav Shalom Arush says allegorically, that if a person turns off the faucet, he can’t be sure that when he decides to turn it on again water will flow forth. I’m sure you understand – closing the faucet means birth control and water is symbolic of children.
Rebbe Nachman of Breslev explains that spiritually, a person who leaves an abundance of children (or pupils) in this world never dies. The Zohar discusses at length how the meritorious deeds of offspring benefit a parent in the next world.
WW, tell your husband that Rav Shalom Arush guarantees that his practice will succeed if he foregoes the birth control. You should see the stack of letters I get every week from married people that haven’t yet been blessed with children. Don’t push The Almighty’s blessing away with both hands. After age 120, your husband will regret that he doesn’t have twenty sons saying Kaddish and learning Torah for him.
As a postscript, just last week Israel National News ran a piece on the demographic danger of a shrinking Jewish minority in the Holy Land. The Prime Minister’s office is considering appointing a committee to investigate the matter. I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous. The Arabs don’t use birth control, and many of the Jews do – that’s it in a nutshell. Who needs to spend a million bucks on a committee?
The Karliner Rebbe told me that every Jewish child that comes into the world is a victory over Hitler, and one step closer to the real redemption of our people, amen. G-d bless, and with His help, everything will be OK. Blessings always, Lazer Brody
6/07/2013
Dangerous: To not think for yourself, Getting pregnant 3 months after having a baby is pikuach nefesh and therefore against halacha. Hatzlocheh, finding the right Rabbi to consult with. I know unfortunately marriages that were ruined because of this specific item of being led to believe about the horrors of "birth control" and not having a rabbi that they feel they can talk too.Each case is personal and needs to be consulted with a competent true rabbi, as R lazer suggested .May we be fruitful and multiply,in the right time.
6/07/2013
Getting pregnant 3 months after having a baby is pikuach nefesh and therefore against halacha. Hatzlocheh, finding the right Rabbi to consult with. I know unfortunately marriages that were ruined because of this specific item of being led to believe about the horrors of "birth control" and not having a rabbi that they feel they can talk too.Each case is personal and needs to be consulted with a competent true rabbi, as R lazer suggested .May we be fruitful and multiply,in the right time.
4/26/2010
the danger of non rabbinical contraception I feel for your predicament. I was the one who wanted birth control until I read Rav Arush’s opinions on the matter. We have not looked back and have seen financial miracles.
One thing my husband and I found out recently and both deeply regret and do a lot of teshuva for: if one does not get a rabbinic approval for contraception, marital relations are considered to be “wasted seed” among other terrible things, G-d Forbid.
May you be blessed with shalom bayit and more children soon.