No Shame
Many people are locked in a cycle of “toxic shame” - but there is a way out!You can escape negative self-talk, low self-esteem and lack of belief in yourself!
Breslev Israel has featured Rivka Levy’s series called Talk to God and Fix Your Life for the past few months. As the series concludes, I want to add my own comments about some of the topics she discussed in her series.
No Shame
So many people are stuck in the “blame and shame” game. Despite our best efforts, sometimes we are simply unable to fulfill our expectations, or the expectations of others around us. We make honest mistakes, or do what seems to be the right thing, but it ends up as a big mistake.
Sometimes we get further mired when others blame us for not fulfilling what they want and expect of us, but their desires aren’t good for us. Unfortunately, it happens that a third party tries to make you feel ashamed for putting yourself, your spouse, or your kids first.
In such situations, it is critical to remember that shame is meant to keep us on the straight path and make us feel bad when we do something wrong. When you do the right thing, don’t feel ashamed about it, or let others make you feel bad about your decisions – no matter what!
Toxic Shame
There is also the cycle of “toxic shame.” This is when you hate yourself, and don’t feel your own self-worth. You believe that you will never really be good enough.
Such toxic shame often turns people topsy-turvy. The deep feelings of hate they have for themselves make them feel shame when they should not and prevent them from having the self–confidence to protect themselves and stand up for themselves. However, when they really do make a mistake, they are too emotionally destroyed to have the strength to admit it, fix it, and move on with confidence.
To read more about believing in yourself and the truth about negative self-talk, check out Rabbi Arush’s article: Escape the Mouse Trap.
Real Shame
The key is to simply take responsibility for yourself, without shame. Your life circumstances are given to you by God, for your eternal good and according to the work and purpose you have in this world. Real worth is based upon a person’s character and upright actions, not money or external success.
God gives everyone exactly the circumstances they need in order to develop their true potential and work on their flaws. Your successes are a present from God, and so are your failures. Our job is to do our best to make the best possible choices in real time – but the results are not in our power! Ultimately, God decides how things turn out in the end, and whether they turn out the way we intended – or not.
Real shame must be saved for the times that we really did make a mistake. It’s crucial to have the self-confidence to know when we did right, and believe in ourselves and our own self-worth, so that when we do inevitably trip up, we have the strength to admit it, do our best to fix it, and move on.
The Solution to Shame
That’s why Rebbe Nachman teaches the importance of a daily cheshbon nefesh (spiritual accounting).
This daily review is the basis of real healthy accountability. For the successes and good things you did, thank God for giving you the opportunity and the ability. For the failures, regret your actions, see what you can do to avoid the mistake in the future, and ask God to help you to act differently next time.
A daily spiritual accounting is also the best way to develop your voice of reason. Reviewing your actions every day and considering whether or not they were good, and how they could have been improved, gives you the opportunity to correct the incorrect messages that you might have been sent from other people, and replace them with the truth. It also gives you the ability to notice and take responsibility for the mistakes you really are making, and work every day, bit by bit, to fix them.
Rabbi Arush says that the absolute minimum amount of time to properly review your day is 30 minutes every day. And while one full hour (60 minutes) a day is preferable, Rebbe Nachman strongly warns not to spend one minute more! It’s too dangerous to spend any more time feeling shame for our mistakes, lest we fall into sadness and lose everything. When your time is up, move on with happiness, even if you don’t feel like you “finished.” You made your effort, and God is very happy with you! Now spend the rest of the day just being happy.
To read more about a daily accounting, I suggest reading Rabbi Arush’s article: Simple Words that can Save Your Life.
Rachel is now the Editor of Breslev Israel’s English website. She welcomes questions, comments, articles, and personal stories to her email: rachel.avrahami@breslev.co.il.
